New Year, New School, New Start

When I first told Katie I was transferring her to another school, she protested for a few minutes, but didn't put up much of a fuss once I explained that this other school would have better ways to help her with all the things that frustrated her last year.

It wasn't long before this theory was tested.  Tears on the second day.  The teacher brought out a math assessment type test that was just meant to see how far they could get in one minute.  Katie got upset and panicked, (she hates timed tests) and was promptly taken to see the school counselor in order to calm down.  Ms Margot is a very nice lady who Katie was happy to meet, and this saved her the embarrassment of having her whole class witness her meltdown.  

From that moment on, Ms Margot began popping in to check on Kate several times a day.  They developed a thumbs-up/thumbs-down system for Katie to silently let Margot know how she's doing without drawing attention.  Kate's teacher, Mrs Phillips, responded immediately by allowing Katie to do the tests un-timed and in a separate setting from then on so as not to panic her again.  

I don't remember if it was Ms Margot or Mrs Phillips, but one of them called me that very day to tell me what had happened, what they'd done to intervene, and their plans for future incidents.  I was so impressed!  Again, the relief was so incredible.  The fact that they immediately went into action and didn't wait for it to become a pattern was so reassuring. So hopeful!

Though Mr P had encouraged me to write that letter requesting the Special Ed evaluation right away at the beginning of the year, that wasn't quite practical.  In order to do the evaluation they really needed to be able to observe her and gather some baseline data before they could launch into full eval.  So it was put on hold for a time.

Hayes does have a grant funded program called ADSIS (Alternative Delivery of Specialized Instructional Services) for kids who don't qualify, or have yet to be assessed, for SpEd services.  It provides additional academic or behavioral support for struggling kids as needed.  Mr Cooper is the Behavioral Intervention Specialist in charge of that program, and while we wait a bit to go forward with the eval, Kate can access the ADSIS services.  If Ms Margot is not available at a time Kate needs some support, she can go to Mr Cooper's room for a break.  

Further into the year they built into her day two scheduled "sensory" breaks in the morning and afternoon, when she goes to his office for a 10 min break.  My intention when suggesting this was that she be given time and space to do some heavy work to help calm and reset her system, but at first she told me she was just going to his room and playing games on a tablet.  I have since requested that he have her do something physical instead to get the full benefit if the break. 

Reviewing Katie's Sensory Issues

So, as I read through the chapter on the day in the life of a sensory over-responsive kid (LaTanya) in Lucy Jane Miller's excellent book, Sensational Kids, I recalled/learned/summarized these facts/observations about Katie:

Specifically, the type of problem Kate most struggles with is Sensory Modulation Disorder (SMD), which "makes it hard for her to match the intensity of her responses to the intensity of the sensations she feel".  Her system "cannot filter sensations in a way that would allow her to come up with an appropriate response" so when she is "alerted" to a sensation, her brain goes immediately to fight/flight/freeze mode.

Miller writes, "Parents of children with sensory over-responsivity tell me that they feel they're constantly tiptoeing through a minefield- always braced for the next event that will trigger a crisis", and that is precisely my experience.  

Also, "A typically developing child gets a sensory message such as the big bang of a slamming door, figures out the cause, and lets it go.  In children with sensory problems, this ability to let go of past messages sometimes appears to be impaired, leading to a 'backlog' of sensation that accumulates until it overwhelms the  child's coping skills" and "It is believed that the cumulative effect of undisposed sensory messages is what causes children with SPD to eventually fall apart over triggering events that are minor".   What if the reason Kate loses it when another kid calls her a name is a whole morning's worth of sensory alerts she hasn't been able to let go of?  

Miller goes on to describe how "LaTanya" is alerted by the overwhelming fumes of the school bus, the typical noisiness of an elementary school bus, and the inadvertent touching and jostling by other kids that happens on the bus.  Not to mention the sensation of the motion of the bus and its frequent stops and starts, and unexpected, loud traffic noises outside, such as sirens and honking horns.  Little wonder if she prefers to sit in the front seat to minimize some of these, and have visual cues to warn her of upcoming sensations. But sadly, in the example, the other kids won't always let her sit where she's most comfortable, and she is often reduced to tears.  "If LaTanya needed a wheelchair or had another physical limitation that made it hard for her to function on the bus, accommodations like an assigned seat would have been made for her long ago. However, because her handicap is invisible, accommodations are made on a spot basis and only after she falls apart, which just confirms everyone's opinion that this is a kid with big problems."  (my emphasis)

What if Katie is experiencing these same things, and arriving at school already so overstimulated that her system can't calm down enough to focus on the tasks at hand?  How much of what looks like ADHD behavior is actually her inability to take anything more in or process the information in the right part of the brain because she is so consumed with sensory overload?

Summertime and Tics

Ha! You thought I'd spelled that wrong didn't you, tics?  But I wasn't referring to the insect variety, as in wood ticks, but more alarming nervous tics.

This was the first summer I had ever worked full time since Katie was born.  There was no way she and her 13 y.o. sister Melanie could be home alone together all day, every day, so I enrolled Katie in a park program 3 days a week, ED-Venture Club.  She enjoyed it very much as she is truly a social butterfly & is dead bored without other kids to play with.  
  
I started to hear Katie making little "hm" noises randomly, and once or twice asked her why she'd just made that noise, but she either didn't remember making any noise, or didn't know why she had.  I wondered if this was some sort of tic (I have an aunt with a throat-clearing tic) or just a habit, and decided to ignore it so as not to reinforce it. It did become very annoying for a while though, like someone next to you sniffling repeatedly.

A couple weeks later she told me that she had been nodding her head at summer program and the teacher told her she shouldn't do that so much/or so hard, that she was going to hurt her neck or head.  I found this odd and couldn't imagine what she must've been doing.  Pretending to head bang to some music on the radio?  But once it was mentioned, I started to notice it myself.  She was nodding her head randomly, and rather hard/forcefully.  I'd seen her do this now and then in enthusiastic agreement about something, maybe she was agreeing with some internal monologue in her imagination?  Or something more?  The "hm"-ing had stopped though.

Finally one night there was another behavior that couldn't be chalked up to anything else.  I'd seen it once or twice, but this night my mother asked Kate if there was something bothering her eyes, because she kept blinking, rather rapidly.  When I'd noticed before I thought maybe her hair was getting in her eyes.  It was a bit of a shaggy cut and the bangs were getting long-ish.  That night I had her get a headband to pull all her hair back, but the blinking continued.  She said nothing was bothering her eyes, she didn't know why she was blinking so much, and went on playing.  I quietly observed her and was alarmed to see she was blinking, hard, over 30+ times a minute. A definite tic.  A hard blink that was almost a grimace, pulling up the corners of her mouth as well.

I called her pediatrician the next morning and they were able to see her right away. That morning Katie complained that her eyes ached, like they were bruised.  I'm sure the muscles were tired from such forceful overuse. 

Dr Edward's first thought was that the ADHD medication could be causing it, though Kate had been on the Concerta for over a year, so it seemed strange that this would start now.  I was concerned that the Concerta may be dampening her appetite anyway, so we agreed to take her off ADHD meds for 2 weeks to allow it to fully leave her system and see what would happen.  Two unmedicated weeks sounded daunting, but she really did much better than I feared, not too wild.  And boy did her appetite rebound!! Suddenly she couldn't get enough. I knew then that the Concerta was largely responsible for her low weight and decided we were done with that for good!

Two weeks passed unmedicated and the tic was greatly reduced, but still definitely there.  We started her on Vyvance to replace the Concerta.  The nurse said tics are tricky, they can seem to pop up out of nowhere and sometimes they just don't find a cause.  Most likely it was related to anxiety.  So, for the time being we just tried to ignore it.  I'm not terribly disturbed by it, though I admit I don't like the way it looks when she does it.  It looks weird, and that's not easy for a mother, but I don't mention it.  I just don't want it to become an issue with her peers, if they start to notice it and she ends up teased about it.

Afraid of men?

I've just noticed lately that Katie has an anxiety about certain men.  At least 2 different mornings when I've driven her to the bus stop and she started to open the door to get out, she held back and actually got back in the car to wait until one man walking by got past us the one time, and a man out jogging passed us the other time.  Both of those gentlemen happened to be African-American. 

There has never been any prejudice in our home about African-Americans, or any other ethnicities.  Throughout all her school years her classes have always been at least 50% minorities and it has never seemed to phase her.  She has never mentioned the ethnicity of any of her friends, as if she doesn't even notice.  Then yesterday when we went to the store I sent her around the corner to hold one of the hall doors open for us coming through with our hands full.  After a minute I heard, "Mommy?" in a voice of concern, and as I came around the corner saw that a Latino man was coming through the door she was holding open and she was pressing herself back as far away from him as possible. 

This is an interesting contrast from the way she she sometimes acts around other men whose attention she seems to crave.  I've often been concerned about her lack of boundaries with other men at times, since I know it can make her vulnerable to be preyed upon when she craves male attention so much.  Something that merits more observation and discussion...

Sad Self Punishment

What I didn't mention about the incident at school yesterday was the way Katie decided to punish herself.  While at the doctor I noticed she had a big, fat rubber band around her wrist and asked her what for.  She said she put it there so that if she was "bad" again she could snap herself with it to hurt and punish herself.  Poor lamb :(  I told her that wasn't necessary.  That she isn't "bad", she just made a poor choice and made a mistake and that we were at the doctor to get some better meds to help her not react to others so easily.

At her conference with her teacher he brought this rubber band issue up as well.  He had noted it and talked to her about it already, but restated to her that he did not ever want to see her hurting herself, that she is a good girl and had punished herself enough just by feeling so bad about it.

Another precaution Kate took today was to fill her lunch bag with band-aids and cotton gauze, in case she got out of control and hurt someone again :(   She said she offered the boy she hurt a band aid, but he didn't want it.

Impulsive Aggression

Katie came running to me off the bus yesterday crying so hard I almost couldn't understand her.  "I just didn't think!  I don't know what's happening to me!  I didn't control myself!", was what I could make out.  I hugged her and told her it would be ok and we'd talk about it when we got home.  

I sat her down, told her I wouldn't be angry and asked her to start from the beginning and tell me what happened.  Apparently there was a video the class would be able to watch if everyone was finished with their work in time.  The boy next to her was bothering/distracting Katie to the point that she finally grabbed his hand and bent his wrist back, scraping her nails across the back of it.  

She was SO upset with herself! She couldn't believe she had done it, but admitted it wasn't really an accident, she just got so frustrated!  She said she didn't know what was happening to her and she didn't think she deserved anything good.  She said the boy didn't even tell on her, she told on herself.  The teacher said he would have to write it up and she was terrified of what that would mean.  "I've never been written up for anything in my life!!", she wailed.  

Katie has never physically acted out in anger or frustration with anyone like this before, so I decided to talk to her doctor and see what she thought about it.  As it happened we were able to get in to see the pediatrician right away today and decided to up the dose of her Concerta to help with the frustration tolerance, distraction and impulsivity as the old dose doesn't seem to be cutting it this year.  We had a short conference with her teacher this afternoon too where I was able to explain her SPD and anxiety issues and he seems very willing to work on whatever she needs.

Bus Stop Anxiety

I am really not satisfied with the bus stop location for my girls.  The apartment we're in is a complex of several buildings, and they can get to the assigned bus stop one of two ways. They either have walk up a hill and across a large yard behind us and walk down through a parking lot on the other side, which works now but will not be an option at all once it snows, or they have to walk all the way around another separate building, though parking lot all the way that I know is not plowed safely enough for walking in the winter.  Beside which, Melanie's bus comes at 7:30, which will still be dark in the middle of winter, and Kate doesn't get home til between 4:30-4:45, which will also be nearly dark in winter.  The distance around the building is 1/2 mile by my odometer and Katie is terrified to walk that by herself even now when it's broad daylight.  There are also no other kids from our building going over to that stop for her to walk over with for safety.

So I've put in bus stop change request forms with the school district to get them to please add a stop somewhere over by our own building.  So far I haven't had any response, though the form did say they wouldn't address any requests til after Sept 19th. (But that has been and gone.)  So far I have been having to walk or drive Katie over to the bus stop every morning, and until last week I was going over there every day to meet her getting off the bus too. For now she is coming home over the hill where I can see her from our balcony and she can see me so she knows she's going the right way.

The first couple weeks she wanted me to wait with her in the morning until the bus actually came, but now I just get her there a few minutes before and let her wait on her own.  She has to learn that she can do ok without me by her side every minute.  I do watch her sometimes though as I'm leaving and it's interesting to me that she seems to linger at the edge and not walk up into the rest of the group of kids standing there.  She is not usually that shy.  If she sees strange kids at a playground she'll go right up to them and start to play with them (usually bossing them around before too long!), so what's the reticence at the bus stop about?  There is one little girl there she has made friends with, and when they see each other they go running up for hugs, but other than that she holds back.

Starting Therapy

Just before the end of the school year last spring I got Katie started seeing a child therapist at Nystrom & Associates right here near us.  Her therapist's name also happens to be Katie (actually part of what helped me decide to choose her!), so she is known as Miss Katie in our house.  At first it was hard to explain exactly what is was I was bringing Kate there to work on.  She doesn't have the sort of meltdowns we used to have so frequently anymore.  But with all that has been going on, all the change and restrictions with living with Grandma, I thought it would be good for Katie to have someone to process it all with.  We also saw her pediatrician and got her Prozac dosage raised to 20 mg/daily since everything in our world seemed so up in the air and unsettled and there have been a lot of adjustments to go through.  

Katie likes visiting Miss Katie, especially because she is sometimes allowed to draw on her large windows with special markers! (Kate is quite the little artist!!)  At first Katie was doing a lot of complaining about things that go on at her dad's house and why she did not like going up there for his weekends.  That was hard for me to hear because there is really nothing I can do about any of that.  A change in Rob's work schedule at the beginning of the summer made some changes that I think have made things better for her now, and Rob and Mary were good enough to come down and meet with Miss Katie and Kate to talk about some of her concerns, so at least she got to feel like she was heard.

We're working on Katie taking control of her reactions when she has negative feelings, learning how to calm her body down and not over react.  She has admitted that she doesn't have the fits of temper at Rob's house that she does at mine occasionally, so we are trying to explore why that is and what we can do about it.  (My personal opinion is that she is too intimidated by Rob and Mary to misbehave around them and holds herself together out of pure fear.)  I do admit that my consistency in following through with discipline hasn't been as strong as it should be. She definitely has a knack for wearing me down, so it is a learning experience for us both.

New School Anxiety

Both girls are attending new schools this year in the local district since I still haven't found a job and couldn't deal with driving them back and forth the Robbinsdale again this year if we probably won't end up back there in the end anyway.

Melanie took the change in stride for the most part.  She is now old enough to participate in the awesome youth program at our church, so she has been making good friends there over the summer.  I think she has always understood that the likelihood of ending up back in Robbinsdale was pretty slim and was prepared for it.

Katie did not take the news as well, though her distress did not last nearly as long as I feared it would.  She had continued to hold out hope that somehow she would be able to go back to Lakeview, and hearing that she definitely wouldn't was hard to take.  After all, Lakeview was the only school she'd known, and change is not easy with her anxieties.  But I took her along to get the registration materials so she could see the place and get a feel for it.  We could only see the office that first time, but we did explore the playground and found it interesting that they have a map of the United States and of the World painted on the pavement near it.

Of course we also attended the back-to-school open house and met her teacher, Mr Bush, and found her classroom.  We practiced walking in the door and up to the cafeteria for breakfast, and then to her classroom until she was comfortable enough to try it on her own.  She even discovered a 2nd route she could take to her room and was very comfortable with finding her way around by the time we left.  I am really excited that she has a male teacher this year.  As well meaning as Rob may be, he actually spends very little time with the girls, even on his weekends, so I am excited for her to have a strong, consistent, positive male figure in her life. 

2013: More Catching Up

At first Katie was really excited about moving.  She'd grown sick of our apartment and was ready for a change.  She was NOT, however, excited about what it would mean for the fate of her beloved cat, Dinah.  Grandma was not willing to have any pets come along to her apartment, so we had to find alternatives for our two cats.  As I hoped this was only going to be a 3-4 month stay w/Mom I arranged sort of foster care arrangements for both cats, with separate people.  We'd hoped they could go to someone we knew, but in the end I had to resort to finding strangers on Craig's List who were willing to take them in.  This separation was very hard on Katie and she worried for weeks about what would happen to Dinah before I finally got things settled.  We've gone once to visit Dinah at her foster home and she seemed happy.  Katie missed her a lot at first, but doesn't talk about her much anymore.


The girls finished off the school year in their same Robbinsdale schools by me driving them there and back every day.  Katie kept up hope that she would be back there the next (this) year, but I kept warning her that it would all depend on where I was able to get a job and that there was a strong likelihood that we may end up in another school district.

Showing off the long tooth

In early June Katie had to be hospitalized for some oral surgery to remove her eye teeth to make room for the adult teeth that have started coming in.  It had to be done in hospital under sedation because of her sensitivities and anxiety.  There was just no way she could be numbed up and sit through a procedure like that in the regular dentist's office.  She had some serious apprehensions, but made it through like a trooper.



My brother in the Marines was home with his family for almost 3 weeks in July and Katie enjoyed all the extra family time with twin cousins that she never usually gets to see.  They were here over the 4th of July and Uncle Matt got sparklers for the kids, but Katie was afraid of them, so she mostly just stood back and watched.  She has no problem with the noise of the big fireworks display at night anymore though, so that is certainly an improvement and relief.

Katie & Melanie w/their older stepbrothers

The girls went on a vacation to the Black Hills with their dad and his family in July.  Kate was a little worried about being away from me for SO long and begged me to come with, but that certainly wasn't an option!  Rob was unhappy with me for not sending Katie's ADHD meds with for the trip, but she hadn't been taking them all summer up to that point so I had never even thought of it.  Apparently they had a tough time though, driving all those hours out there with little for her to do and he reported that she needed constant redirection and was generally "bouncing off the walls".  I was sorry it had made the trip difficult for her, but really hadn't been having that problem at home.


Once they came home though and there was no more excitement of activity with cousins every day to keep her busy and focused I too noticed that her ADHD symptoms were a lot more pronounced and got her back on the Concerta even before school started.  Katie is a sweetheart and has never gotten as wildly off the wall as some ADHD kids I've known, but she is a talker.  She talks, and talks, and talks......and talks!  Without meds there is no filter whatsoever and every thought that passes through her head must be shared.  Drives the rest of us a little bit out of our minds!

Cathching Up: The Rest of 2012

It's been a very long time since I've written any posts.  One reason, I think, is that Katelyn seems to be outgrowing a lot of the major Sensory Processing issues that were such a struggle for us for so many years.

The 2nd grade went much smoother for Katie.  Her wonderful teacher, Mrs. Martin, was very understanding of her particular needs and was always very willing to work with me on anything that came up.

At the beginning of the school year we got her started on a low dose of Concerta for the ADHD, and she tolerated that MUCH better than the Adderall that had made her practically psychotic.  If I remember right this is also when we got her started on Prozac for all the anxiety issues she struggles with, and that made a world of difference for her. 

June 2012: We went fishing for the first time with my Dad.  Kate was a little leery of the instability/rocking of the small boat, but became used to it quickly.  She amazed us all by being willing to touch and handle the worms (which she had been terrified of the previous year) and even trying to put them on her own hook.  Even more amazing was her willingness to handle the fish themselves when she caught some!  I totally expected that to be a sensation that would completely gross her out, but she loved it!. 


For her 7th Birthday she was so in love with swimming in Grandma's pool that she had a pool party there.  By now she had worked her way up to even being brave enough to jump into the pool from the side! 


In August of that summer the girls' Dad and their family moved to a house out in the country outside Milaca and the girls enjoy some different outdoor play.


 
Renaissance Festival and State Fair with my Dad and his wife were also big adventures for both the girls.  They both loved picking out their very own Renaissance costumes to wear for the day as they have both always been very much into dressing up!


Katie enjoyed being a zombie bride for Halloween, and was lucky enough to get to be in the Holidazzle parade with her best friend Aubrey.

FIRE!

The fire alarm went off in our building today.  Thankfully it wasn't so loud and alarming as some I've heard, so the sound itself didn't bother Katie.  I didn't smell any smoke or feel any heat, but as it continued for more than just a couple minutes (as it might if they were testing the system or something) I decided we should be better safe than sorry and we left the building.  That's when Katie's alarm went off.  The alarm was much louder in the hallway, and the fact that we were actually leaving our home and getting out of the building was very unsettling to her.   When we got outside there didn't seem to be anything visibly wrong.  Very few other people had come out.  I was going to call the rental office and see if they could tell us if it was a drill or something, but quickly realized I'd forgotten my phone inside.  We instead drove over to the office and went in to inquire.  

The lady there said someone had seen one of the electrical boxes smoking and called the fire department.  Just then a maintenance man comes running in looking for a key and says, "They've got a fire over there! Have you called the fire department?"  So clearly this was no drill or test, there was an actual fire and we could not return home.  When Katie heard this she really started to panic.  The fact that we were out safely wasn't enough, she was terrified that our apartment would burn up with all of our things in it and she was very upset.  I held her and tried to reassure her that everything was going to be ok.  It had to be a fairly small fire and they were already on top of it, so I was pretty sure we wouldn't suffer any damage.  There was no smoke to be seen or anything.  But the idea that it was there at all, in our building was just too much for her.

We decided to go to her favorite new library to wait it out and distract her.  I really wished I'd grabbed by phone to let my mom know what was going on and to find out when it was safe to come back.  But I checked an hour later and it had been given the all clear, so we returned to an undamaged apartment.

Reliance on Medication

Got a call from Katie's teacher this morning because Kate told her she'd forgotten to take her pill this morning.  I let the teacher know that we hadn't actually forgotten the meds, but had decided to take her off of it because it seemed to be making her more nutty than usual.  I spoke to Katie to and reminded her we'd talked about this and she remembered.

Half an hour later though the teacher was calling again because Kate was getting really worked up about not having had a pill.  She was convinced she couldn't function for the day without it.  So I went to school to give her one more just so she could get through the day, and then Dad can deal with her over the holiday weekend!

Can't go on like this!

Well, I guess school work is going much better, but we are an absolute mess at home.  She come in the door crying after school and is freaked out and worried about everything under the sun.  

The other night there was a parent's night at school and she was hysterical in tears because she was so worried that I would be disappointed with her for not finishing coloring the sky on her picture today.  Once I assured her that I would not be unhappy with her for anything at school she started in about how worried she is about summer. "Oh, woe is me, summer is just so hot and I just get so hot so fast and I just can't stand it!" type stuff, only in serious distress! Sobbing and wailing like her dog had just died or something!! 

She hasn't slept the night in her own bed for over a week now.  She's scared of everything!  Last night  she said she couldn't stop thinking about the zombie movie her step-brothers "made" her watch that was too scary. Nightmares, noises, you name it, she's worried about it.  She seems to think she has to have actual skin-to-skin contact with me at all times or she panics like a toddler with separation anxiety.  Even when she's sleeping with me, she's whimpering in her sleep! This is not working.

Terror in the night

Poor Katelyn had the very worst scare of her life (and she has lots of scares!) in the wee hours of this morning.  I heard her go to the bathroom and go back into her room.  Then there was a strangled sort of scream and she started screeching for me.  I went in to see what was wrong and she said, "The window! There's words on the window!."  Sure enough, through the glow of the nighttime light you could clearly read, "U will die!" written on the window with someone's finger sometime when the window had been foggy. When she came back in her room it was directly in her eye line, and she can read now, so she understood immediately!  She was absolutely out of her mind terrified, wouldn't even walk past the window to go into my room to sleep. I have to admit, it was awfully creepy in the middle of the night, even though I knew it had to have been Melanie and not any sort of ghoul.

She came in my bed, but was so shook up she couldn't settle down and go back to sleep, just tossed and turned and whimpered.  About 2 hours later she screams again, certain she saw something moving in my open closet. I convince her there's nothing, but she is back on high alert again. Maybe half an hours later an absolutely blood curdling scream as she sat bolt upright in the bed, grabbing for me.  "Turn on the light! Turn on the light!"  then  "I heard a voice!! There was a really deep voice talking to me!!"

She was absolutely, terrified and convinced she'd heard something and I just didn't believe her.  She sat wide-eyed and trembling, looking all around, and couldn't even stand to lay down again, being in total fight-or-flight mode and feeling too vulnerable if she lay down.  

When she finally could lay down again she was stiff and trembling, and plastered herself to me.  She insisted we keep the light on and was afraid to try to go back to sleep in case she had more bad thoughts.  To take her mind off it, I tried to get her to think about the Twins game we're going to tonight, her first. Talked her through visualizing walking in the gates and finding our seats, seeing all the people and smelling the foods.  That finally helped, she got on a roll talking about it, and then kept talking. I let her keep talking to keep her mind occupied and she finally fell asleep around 6 am.  I was going to let her sleep in and go to school late if she stayed asleep, but she popped up about 7:30 and was eager to get ready for the day.  Hopefully her meds will carry her through most of the day before she collapses of exhaustion.  Don't know what to expect for the game tonight.

Week going ok for Katie at school, with a few ups and downs.  She came home devastated one day because she had been unable to go out for extra recess because she'd had one behavior warning last week.  She was convinced this meant she wouldn't be able to go out all week and life was awful.  I talked with the teacher to get an accurate understanding of the requirements for extra recess so we could work on it in future.

Rough start

Well, Kate's first day on meds was not the miracle she had hoped for.  She came home and frumped on the couch and wouldn't answer me about how the day went.  "I don't want to tell you!", was all she would say, getting teary.  I set aside what I was doing to talk with her more directly and find out why she was upset.  "I never wanna talk about it! I don't wanna tell you!"  Well, if that doesn't send up red flags...  If she's getting that upset I really need to know what happened!  "I don't wanna say anything. I'm gonna get grounded and you're gonna talk to me for a long time about it!"  Ok, so she thinks she's in trouble, but I can't imagine her ever doing anything too terrible. 

Eventually, with much drama and tears she eventually told me.  One of the girls in her class is frequently bossy to her, and Katie told her that she acts like she's the queen of the school.  This caused the little girl to cry, which got the teacher's attention, who came over to speak to them, which caused Katie to cry as well, and she was horribly embarrassed.

Poor Kate, so worried about something so innocent.  She was completely overwrought and took a long time to settle down even after I told her I was not mad at her.  I told her it is ok to stand up for herself as long as she does it nicely and I knew she hadn't meant to make the other girl cry.  She did say that she felt like the pill had helped her, "but then it all got ruined".

"Can't You just teach me Mommy?"

Horrible, agonizing morning.  Katie has really latched on to the idea of a medication that can help her concentrate, and has herself convinced that she is worthless without it.  She begged me not to make her go to school again until she had "that pill".  I just held her, heartbroken and sobbing, and felt completely at a loss as to what to say to her.  She says her teacher "doesn't do a thing about it", but when I ask her what she would like her to do to help, she doesn't know.  She wants me to teach her at home instead, because I've already learned all the stuff she's learning, so I can just tell it to her.  This morning she sobbed, "I'm just a piece of paper!" and asked what she meant, she said, "I just lay there and I can't even do anything!"  She was desperate to know when we would be able to see the doctor about the medication, and refused to go to school unless I came with her and asked the teacher if she had sent in her portion of the assessment questionnaire.  I did drive her to school and came in to talk to the teacher and just let her know how bad things were this morning and how vulnerable Kate is feeling so she can do as much as she can to try to boost her confidence.

Today is one of those days when I really hate being a single parent, particularly of a child with special needs. I almost called her dad this morning, when she was screaming that she would never go back to school, to let him try to talk to her, but also just for him to experience some of this tough shit that I have to go through on a daily basis.  It is so exhausting and overwhelming!

Thankfully the doctor's office did call this morning, and we got an appointment this week already on Thursday, so hopefully she will be relieved to hear that.

"I'm never going back to school again!"

Very, very unhappy little girl after school today!  Broke my heart, as a mother, to see her so agonized.  Katie is convinced that she is stupid, that she is completely hopeless, because she cannot concentrate in school and get things done like the other kids in her class.  Had a whole long tearful tirade about how school is awful and no one there likes her and even the girls who are supposed to be her friends aren't nice to her and her teacher hates her and is always mad at her and her big sister hates her too and won't wave to her in the lunchroom and the neighbor girl ignores her too, and so on and so on.  Absolutely shattered and sobbing.

I'm so angry with myself for not getting on top of this sooner, before she really started to internalize it.  I thought I had to find the best place to get comprehensive care, but realize now that it can't wait any longer.  I talked to her about some people's brains having a harder time focusing and remembering, and that there is some medication we might be able to try to help her be less distracted.  At first she thought that was hopeless as well, but then she came out of bed at 10:40 last night to tell me she thought maybe she could try it.  Poor thing, laying awake that late worrying about it!  I decided to just start with her regular pediatrician for now and get her on some meds as soon as possible, and worry about more thorough assessment later when I find the "right" place.

Rocket Math Blues

Katie is feeling really down on herself lately over "Rocket Math", a timed drill with approximately 20-25 addition &/or subtraction problems they are given a minute to complete.  Apparently there are different levels, when you can complete sheet A in one minute, you move up to sheet B, then C, and so on.  Katie came home crying because she is still on sheet A, and most of her friends are nearing the end of the alphabet.  She knows the answers, she just cannot complete it within that one minute, so she's been stuck at that first level all year.  Poor Luv!  She feels really stupid and is embarrassed  to have her friends know what level she is on.  She says she never wants to go to school again.  I need to be looking into the best place to get her some further evaluation.