Things went pretty smoothly for the first few weeks of school.
I suffered a personal setback when I was laid off from my job and suddenly had to face the pressure of looking for another one again. The very day I was told, I got a call from Ms Margot, just wanting to tell me how much she was enjoying working with Katie and that she was a very sweet little girl. She also said, "I just wanted to tell you, Katie is very proud of the work you do, working with homeless people. She told us all about how you help people who've never even had their own bed before." I broke down crying then, telling her I'd just lost the job Katie was so proud of!
By the end of Sept. Kate started having some conflicts with some classmates and a couple days in a row she came out to the car after school with her backpack held up covering her face like a shield because she didn't want people to see she was crying.
When I talked to her the first day, she told me another girl got mad at her for "just being herself". I asked what just being herself meant, and Katie did admit that she was being kinda goofy (she'd announced that she'd just farted). A girl at her table, Takyra, told Katie she was annoying (BIG trigger word for Kate!!) and went and told the teacher on her. Though the teacher said nothing to her about it, Katie felt herself to be "in trouble" over it and she started to cry (she does any time an adult is brought into things). She said she wished Takyra would have just asked her to stop instead of going to tell the teacher right away.
The next day she came out to the car crying again. This time she'd wanted to read a book Takyra had, and had asked Takyra to let her have it when she finished. Instead Takyra gave it to someone else. Katie confronted her about it, reminding her that she'd asked to have it next and Takyra told her she didn't need to cry over every little thing and to stop being such a baby (another major trigger word!). Kate says she wasn't even crying at first when she was confronting her, it was only "after she said those things" that she'd started to cry, so it wasn't even fair, coz she wasn't even crying! "Ugh, Takyra is so mean!!"
Showing posts with label Meltdowns. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Meltdowns. Show all posts
Sunday, November 23, 2014
New Year, New School, New Start
When I first told Katie I was transferring her to another school, she protested for a few minutes, but didn't put up much of a fuss once I explained that this other school would have better ways to help her with all the things that frustrated her last year.
It wasn't long before this theory was tested. Tears on the second day. The teacher brought out a math assessment type test that was just meant to see how far they could get in one minute. Katie got upset and panicked, (she hates timed tests) and was promptly taken to see the school counselor in order to calm down. Ms Margot is a very nice lady who Katie was happy to meet, and this saved her the embarrassment of having her whole class witness her meltdown.
From that moment on, Ms Margot began popping in to check on Kate several times a day. They developed a thumbs-up/thumbs-down system for Katie to silently let Margot know how she's doing without drawing attention. Kate's teacher, Mrs Phillips, responded immediately by allowing Katie to do the tests un-timed and in a separate setting from then on so as not to panic her again.
I don't remember if it was Ms Margot or Mrs Phillips, but one of them called me that very day to tell me what had happened, what they'd done to intervene, and their plans for future incidents. I was so impressed! Again, the relief was so incredible. The fact that they immediately went into action and didn't wait for it to become a pattern was so reassuring. So hopeful!
Though Mr P had encouraged me to write that letter requesting the Special Ed evaluation right away at the beginning of the year, that wasn't quite practical. In order to do the evaluation they really needed to be able to observe her and gather some baseline data before they could launch into full eval. So it was put on hold for a time.
Hayes does have a grant funded program called ADSIS (Alternative Delivery of Specialized Instructional Services) for kids who don't qualify, or have yet to be assessed, for SpEd services. It provides additional academic or behavioral support for struggling kids as needed. Mr Cooper is the Behavioral Intervention Specialist in charge of that program, and while we wait a bit to go forward with the eval, Kate can access the ADSIS services. If Ms Margot is not available at a time Kate needs some support, she can go to Mr Cooper's room for a break.
Further into the year they built into her day two scheduled "sensory" breaks in the morning and afternoon, when she goes to his office for a 10 min break. My intention when suggesting this was that she be given time and space to do some heavy work to help calm and reset her system, but at first she told me she was just going to his room and playing games on a tablet. I have since requested that he have her do something physical instead to get the full benefit if the break.
It wasn't long before this theory was tested. Tears on the second day. The teacher brought out a math assessment type test that was just meant to see how far they could get in one minute. Katie got upset and panicked, (she hates timed tests) and was promptly taken to see the school counselor in order to calm down. Ms Margot is a very nice lady who Katie was happy to meet, and this saved her the embarrassment of having her whole class witness her meltdown.
From that moment on, Ms Margot began popping in to check on Kate several times a day. They developed a thumbs-up/thumbs-down system for Katie to silently let Margot know how she's doing without drawing attention. Kate's teacher, Mrs Phillips, responded immediately by allowing Katie to do the tests un-timed and in a separate setting from then on so as not to panic her again.
I don't remember if it was Ms Margot or Mrs Phillips, but one of them called me that very day to tell me what had happened, what they'd done to intervene, and their plans for future incidents. I was so impressed! Again, the relief was so incredible. The fact that they immediately went into action and didn't wait for it to become a pattern was so reassuring. So hopeful!
Though Mr P had encouraged me to write that letter requesting the Special Ed evaluation right away at the beginning of the year, that wasn't quite practical. In order to do the evaluation they really needed to be able to observe her and gather some baseline data before they could launch into full eval. So it was put on hold for a time.
Hayes does have a grant funded program called ADSIS (Alternative Delivery of Specialized Instructional Services) for kids who don't qualify, or have yet to be assessed, for SpEd services. It provides additional academic or behavioral support for struggling kids as needed. Mr Cooper is the Behavioral Intervention Specialist in charge of that program, and while we wait a bit to go forward with the eval, Kate can access the ADSIS services. If Ms Margot is not available at a time Kate needs some support, she can go to Mr Cooper's room for a break.
Further into the year they built into her day two scheduled "sensory" breaks in the morning and afternoon, when she goes to his office for a 10 min break. My intention when suggesting this was that she be given time and space to do some heavy work to help calm and reset her system, but at first she told me she was just going to his room and playing games on a tablet. I have since requested that he have her do something physical instead to get the full benefit if the break.
Misunderstanding SPD Kids
One thing I can say as a parent of a sensational kid is that it's easy to incur the judgement of other parents. Looking at some of the behaviors of some of our kids, some people just see brats. In Miller's example, LaTanya's teacher Miss Sorensen "doesn't say so, but she thinks the real problem with the girl is that her parents aren't strict enough and fail to make LaTanya do what she should".
I know for a fact that Katie's father and his wife have thought this of me many times over the years. Much of the time when Katie is at their house for the weekend she controls a lot of her behavior out of intimidation. She can hold it together for 48 hours if she isn't pressed too hard, but at home, where she feels safe, all that pent up "stuff" comes pouring out and we have some tough Sunday nights sometimes. Her dad thinks I baby Katie and let her get away with too much. I know it can look that way from the outside.
The problem is that this holds a child with a disability (man, it's still not easy to say that about my own child) to the expectations of a typically developing child, and it's just not the same. They aren't playing with the same equipment. "Humans typically use reason to override reflexive behavior- thinking through situations in order to avoid getting to the 'fight/flight' mode unnecessarily. The problem for (Katie) is that her 'fight/flight' response occurs so fast she doesn't have time to cancel it out with reason. As a result, she (reacts) to situations that aren't really dangerous". (Miller, Sensational Kids)
When someone calls a typically developing kid a name, that kid can stop and think "Oh that's just Mikey- he's always causing trouble" and brush it off, but, when someone calls Katie a name, she immediately reacts in a way that is beyond what is expected in the situation, because she doesn't have time to apply reason the way we'd expect someone her age to. So she looks like a brat. Her behavior seems babyish. She looks like a spaz, a freak, a weirdo. She doesn't want to respond this way, it's just the way she's wired!
I know for a fact that Katie's father and his wife have thought this of me many times over the years. Much of the time when Katie is at their house for the weekend she controls a lot of her behavior out of intimidation. She can hold it together for 48 hours if she isn't pressed too hard, but at home, where she feels safe, all that pent up "stuff" comes pouring out and we have some tough Sunday nights sometimes. Her dad thinks I baby Katie and let her get away with too much. I know it can look that way from the outside.
The problem is that this holds a child with a disability (man, it's still not easy to say that about my own child) to the expectations of a typically developing child, and it's just not the same. They aren't playing with the same equipment. "Humans typically use reason to override reflexive behavior- thinking through situations in order to avoid getting to the 'fight/flight' mode unnecessarily. The problem for (Katie) is that her 'fight/flight' response occurs so fast she doesn't have time to cancel it out with reason. As a result, she (reacts) to situations that aren't really dangerous". (Miller, Sensational Kids)
When someone calls a typically developing kid a name, that kid can stop and think "Oh that's just Mikey- he's always causing trouble" and brush it off, but, when someone calls Katie a name, she immediately reacts in a way that is beyond what is expected in the situation, because she doesn't have time to apply reason the way we'd expect someone her age to. So she looks like a brat. Her behavior seems babyish. She looks like a spaz, a freak, a weirdo. She doesn't want to respond this way, it's just the way she's wired!
Reviewing Katie's Sensory Issues
So, as I read through the chapter on the day in the life of a sensory over-responsive kid (LaTanya) in Lucy Jane Miller's excellent book, Sensational Kids, I recalled/learned/summarized these facts/observations about Katie:
Specifically, the type of problem Kate most struggles with is Sensory Modulation Disorder (SMD), which "makes it hard for her to match the intensity of her responses to the intensity of the sensations she feel". Her system "cannot filter sensations in a way that would allow her to come up with an appropriate response" so when she is "alerted" to a sensation, her brain goes immediately to fight/flight/freeze mode.
Miller writes, "Parents of children with sensory over-responsivity tell me that they feel they're constantly tiptoeing through a minefield- always braced for the next event that will trigger a crisis", and that is precisely my experience.
Also, "A typically developing child gets a sensory message such as the big bang of a slamming door, figures out the cause, and lets it go. In children with sensory problems, this ability to let go of past messages sometimes appears to be impaired, leading to a 'backlog' of sensation that accumulates until it overwhelms the child's coping skills" and "It is believed that the cumulative effect of undisposed sensory messages is what causes children with SPD to eventually fall apart over triggering events that are minor". What if the reason Kate loses it when another kid calls her a name is a whole morning's worth of sensory alerts she hasn't been able to let go of?
Miller goes on to describe how "LaTanya" is alerted by the overwhelming fumes of the school bus, the typical noisiness of an elementary school bus, and the inadvertent touching and jostling by other kids that happens on the bus. Not to mention the sensation of the motion of the bus and its frequent stops and starts, and unexpected, loud traffic noises outside, such as sirens and honking horns. Little wonder if she prefers to sit in the front seat to minimize some of these, and have visual cues to warn her of upcoming sensations. But sadly, in the example, the other kids won't always let her sit where she's most comfortable, and she is often reduced to tears. "If LaTanya needed a wheelchair or had another physical limitation that made it hard for her to function on the bus, accommodations like an assigned seat would have been made for her long ago. However, because her handicap is invisible, accommodations are made on a spot basis and only after she falls apart, which just confirms everyone's opinion that this is a kid with big problems." (my emphasis)
What if Katie is experiencing these same things, and arriving at school already so overstimulated that her system can't calm down enough to focus on the tasks at hand? How much of what looks like ADHD behavior is actually her inability to take anything more in or process the information in the right part of the brain because she is so consumed with sensory overload?
Specifically, the type of problem Kate most struggles with is Sensory Modulation Disorder (SMD), which "makes it hard for her to match the intensity of her responses to the intensity of the sensations she feel". Her system "cannot filter sensations in a way that would allow her to come up with an appropriate response" so when she is "alerted" to a sensation, her brain goes immediately to fight/flight/freeze mode.
Miller writes, "Parents of children with sensory over-responsivity tell me that they feel they're constantly tiptoeing through a minefield- always braced for the next event that will trigger a crisis", and that is precisely my experience.
Also, "A typically developing child gets a sensory message such as the big bang of a slamming door, figures out the cause, and lets it go. In children with sensory problems, this ability to let go of past messages sometimes appears to be impaired, leading to a 'backlog' of sensation that accumulates until it overwhelms the child's coping skills" and "It is believed that the cumulative effect of undisposed sensory messages is what causes children with SPD to eventually fall apart over triggering events that are minor". What if the reason Kate loses it when another kid calls her a name is a whole morning's worth of sensory alerts she hasn't been able to let go of?
Miller goes on to describe how "LaTanya" is alerted by the overwhelming fumes of the school bus, the typical noisiness of an elementary school bus, and the inadvertent touching and jostling by other kids that happens on the bus. Not to mention the sensation of the motion of the bus and its frequent stops and starts, and unexpected, loud traffic noises outside, such as sirens and honking horns. Little wonder if she prefers to sit in the front seat to minimize some of these, and have visual cues to warn her of upcoming sensations. But sadly, in the example, the other kids won't always let her sit where she's most comfortable, and she is often reduced to tears. "If LaTanya needed a wheelchair or had another physical limitation that made it hard for her to function on the bus, accommodations like an assigned seat would have been made for her long ago. However, because her handicap is invisible, accommodations are made on a spot basis and only after she falls apart, which just confirms everyone's opinion that this is a kid with big problems." (my emphasis)
What if Katie is experiencing these same things, and arriving at school already so overstimulated that her system can't calm down enough to focus on the tasks at hand? How much of what looks like ADHD behavior is actually her inability to take anything more in or process the information in the right part of the brain because she is so consumed with sensory overload?
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Power Struggle Stand-Off
We are in the middle of being held hostage by my daughter's unreasonable behavior, and I HATE it!
Katie has had very little homework sent home so far this year, so we haven't had much chance to get into a regular routine for doing it. Recently she has started to have occasional worksheets, but has been giving me a lot of hassle when it comes to actually sitting down and doing them. We talked about this with her therapist last week and Kate said she was embarrassed and ashamed of herself to have me call her on it and promised to do better, understanding that she needs to get her work out of the way first thing before doing other activities at night.
But today she came home and immediately got resistant when I asked if she has homework. I don't mind giving them a little bit of time to unwind when they first get home from school, so I told her she could watch one episode of one of her shows, but then it was time for work. She has watched the show, but now refuses to take out the homework. Threw herself on the floor, rolling around saying, "I won't, I won't" and getting herself all worked up.
Then she tried to claim that Ms Katie had told her whenever she was feeling upset she could just play a game with me to help her calm down. I told her that wasn't meant for this type of situation, but she has been laying on the floor refusing to work until I play a game. I said I'd be happy to play a game when the homework is done, but not before. We are at a stalemate, as she says she is happy to lay there on the floor until I play a game, and I clearly am not going to give in and play any games until the homework is done, if then.
Just now she ramped up the tantrum even more, screaming so she can't even hear the instructions I'm trying to give her. So I yelled once, to get her attention and tell her to listen to what I'm saying, but now she is screaming and carrying on that she's scared of me because I yelled. I am at my wit's and and want to pull my hair out, or thrash her within an inch of her life, so I said she needed to go to her room and be away from me right now. She's currently in the bedroom screaming about how much I hate her and no one cares about her. I hate this kind of situation when there is nothing I can do, just feeling hostage to my own child.
Katie has had very little homework sent home so far this year, so we haven't had much chance to get into a regular routine for doing it. Recently she has started to have occasional worksheets, but has been giving me a lot of hassle when it comes to actually sitting down and doing them. We talked about this with her therapist last week and Kate said she was embarrassed and ashamed of herself to have me call her on it and promised to do better, understanding that she needs to get her work out of the way first thing before doing other activities at night.
But today she came home and immediately got resistant when I asked if she has homework. I don't mind giving them a little bit of time to unwind when they first get home from school, so I told her she could watch one episode of one of her shows, but then it was time for work. She has watched the show, but now refuses to take out the homework. Threw herself on the floor, rolling around saying, "I won't, I won't" and getting herself all worked up.
Then she tried to claim that Ms Katie had told her whenever she was feeling upset she could just play a game with me to help her calm down. I told her that wasn't meant for this type of situation, but she has been laying on the floor refusing to work until I play a game. I said I'd be happy to play a game when the homework is done, but not before. We are at a stalemate, as she says she is happy to lay there on the floor until I play a game, and I clearly am not going to give in and play any games until the homework is done, if then.
Just now she ramped up the tantrum even more, screaming so she can't even hear the instructions I'm trying to give her. So I yelled once, to get her attention and tell her to listen to what I'm saying, but now she is screaming and carrying on that she's scared of me because I yelled. I am at my wit's and and want to pull my hair out, or thrash her within an inch of her life, so I said she needed to go to her room and be away from me right now. She's currently in the bedroom screaming about how much I hate her and no one cares about her. I hate this kind of situation when there is nothing I can do, just feeling hostage to my own child.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Starting Therapy
Just before the end of the school year last spring I got Katie started seeing a child therapist at Nystrom & Associates right here near us. Her therapist's name also happens to be Katie (actually part of what helped me decide to choose her!), so she is known as Miss Katie in our house. At first it was hard to explain exactly what is was I was bringing Kate there to work on. She doesn't have the sort of meltdowns we used to have so frequently anymore. But with all that has been going on, all the change and restrictions with living with Grandma, I thought it would be good for Katie to have someone to process it all with. We also saw her pediatrician and got her Prozac dosage raised to 20 mg/daily since everything in our world seemed so up in the air and unsettled and there have been a lot of adjustments to go through.
Katie likes visiting Miss Katie, especially because she is sometimes allowed to draw on her large windows with special markers! (Kate is quite the little artist!!) At first Katie was doing a lot of complaining about things that go on at her dad's house and why she did not like going up there for his weekends. That was hard for me to hear because there is really nothing I can do about any of that. A change in Rob's work schedule at the beginning of the summer made some changes that I think have made things better for her now, and Rob and Mary were good enough to come down and meet with Miss Katie and Kate to talk about some of her concerns, so at least she got to feel like she was heard.
We're working on Katie taking control of her reactions when she has negative feelings, learning how to calm her body down and not over react. She has admitted that she doesn't have the fits of temper at Rob's house that she does at mine occasionally, so we are trying to explore why that is and what we can do about it. (My personal opinion is that she is too intimidated by Rob and Mary to misbehave around them and holds herself together out of pure fear.) I do admit that my consistency in following through with discipline hasn't been as strong as it should be. She definitely has a knack for wearing me down, so it is a learning experience for us both.
Katie likes visiting Miss Katie, especially because she is sometimes allowed to draw on her large windows with special markers! (Kate is quite the little artist!!) At first Katie was doing a lot of complaining about things that go on at her dad's house and why she did not like going up there for his weekends. That was hard for me to hear because there is really nothing I can do about any of that. A change in Rob's work schedule at the beginning of the summer made some changes that I think have made things better for her now, and Rob and Mary were good enough to come down and meet with Miss Katie and Kate to talk about some of her concerns, so at least she got to feel like she was heard.
We're working on Katie taking control of her reactions when she has negative feelings, learning how to calm her body down and not over react. She has admitted that she doesn't have the fits of temper at Rob's house that she does at mine occasionally, so we are trying to explore why that is and what we can do about it. (My personal opinion is that she is too intimidated by Rob and Mary to misbehave around them and holds herself together out of pure fear.) I do admit that my consistency in following through with discipline hasn't been as strong as it should be. She definitely has a knack for wearing me down, so it is a learning experience for us both.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Bitter Disappointment
Katie's class is taking a field trip to Como zoo on the last day of school and she begged me to sign up to be a chaperone. She was so psyched to have me coming with her class and couldn't wait to show me to her friends. But today Melanie brought home a paper inviting me to the 5th Grade Graduation at school on the same date and time. Obviously the graduation is a big deal for Mel, so I will definitely be there, and that means no zoo. Just broke the news to Katie and she absolutely lost it. Threw herself on the floor, writhing in agony/hysteria. "NO! NO! This can't be happening! This can't be happening to me! I'm gonna die! I just wanna die!!" and such. Poor Melanie burst into tears and fled to her room to get away from Katie's screaming. I left Kate rolling on the floor and went to comfort Melanie. She was hurt that Katie always seems to have things her way and doesn't care about anything that's important to Melanie. Hurt that there should even be any question of my not attending her graduation. She definitely gets the short end of the stick a lot of the time when we have to cater to Kate's needs and she is such a trooper for dealing with it as well as she does. I let her know there was no way I'd miss her graduation and that I am very proud of her.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Can't go on like this!
Well, I guess school work is going much better, but we are an absolute mess at home. She come in the door crying after school and is freaked out and worried about everything under the sun.
The other night there was a parent's night at school and she was hysterical in tears because she was so worried that I would be disappointed with her for not finishing coloring the sky on her picture today. Once I assured her that I would not be unhappy with her for anything at school she started in about how worried she is about summer. "Oh, woe is me, summer is just so hot and I just get so hot so fast and I just can't stand it!" type stuff, only in serious distress! Sobbing and wailing like her dog had just died or something!!
She hasn't slept the night in her own bed for over a week now. She's scared of everything! Last night she said she couldn't stop thinking about the zombie movie her step-brothers "made" her watch that was too scary. Nightmares, noises, you name it, she's worried about it. She seems to think she has to have actual skin-to-skin contact with me at all times or she panics like a toddler with separation anxiety. Even when she's sleeping with me, she's whimpering in her sleep! This is not working.
The other night there was a parent's night at school and she was hysterical in tears because she was so worried that I would be disappointed with her for not finishing coloring the sky on her picture today. Once I assured her that I would not be unhappy with her for anything at school she started in about how worried she is about summer. "Oh, woe is me, summer is just so hot and I just get so hot so fast and I just can't stand it!" type stuff, only in serious distress! Sobbing and wailing like her dog had just died or something!!
She hasn't slept the night in her own bed for over a week now. She's scared of everything! Last night she said she couldn't stop thinking about the zombie movie her step-brothers "made" her watch that was too scary. Nightmares, noises, you name it, she's worried about it. She seems to think she has to have actual skin-to-skin contact with me at all times or she panics like a toddler with separation anxiety. Even when she's sleeping with me, she's whimpering in her sleep! This is not working.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
First Twins Game
Melanie's All-District Choir was singing the national Anthem at the Twins game tonight. Quite an honor! This was the first Twins game for both of my girls, and my first time at the new stadium. Kate was over-the-moon excited! We had seats directly behind home plate, but very high up, and she was very nervous about walking up the steep steps to get to them. We both felt a bit dizzy at first being up so high, and looking down so far, so steeply. 
She thoroughly enjoyed the first 4 innings, but then started to get whiny. She really wanted me to buy her a hat, but they are crazy expensive there and I said no, so she fussed and pouted. Then she realized that the cameras showing people in the stands didn't seem to be showing people way up at the top, so she wouldn't be able to be on TV, and that was the last straw. She declared that this was not as fun as she thought it was going to be and she was sooo disappointed, and the only thing that could stop her crying would be a hat or being on TV. She was "sooo bored", but absolutely did not want to leave early. We held in through the 7th inning and then left to get ahead of the crowds. She griped and groaned all the way to the car and fussed and cried all the way home, talking about how she always has such "bad luck", that her friends give her "bad luck" and nothing she does ever turns out good, and it never will. She feels her "senses" make it too hard for her to go to school and she just wishes she could be "normal".
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Oh my goodness! I am completely wrung out and in the depths of despair. Single parenting is awful and I am ready to throw in the towel. Can't stop crying. Thank GOD it's Rob's weekend!
Kate came home from school and immediately lost her mind over having to go to Dad's for the weekend. She still hasn't gotten over the fact that they were with him 3 weekends in a row because of Easter and felt it was "not fair" that they only had one weekend home with me again. She threw herself on the floor and began screaming that she was not getting in the car, but then did come when Melanie and I went to leave. She got in crying and started screaming that she was "not going to get out of this car" when we got there. She was crying and blubbering hysterically, and I felt I needed the mental break more than ever!
Kate was determined to cry/scream the whole way there, though I warned she was going to end up with a sore throat. There didn't seem to be anything I could do, because if I stopped she'd be getting her way, and I really needed to get away from her for a while. Figured I just needed to try to ignore her to show her she can't manipulate me with her tantrums, but that was really tough. I turned up the radio, but could hardly hear over her noise. Eventually I decided to call Rob and let her talk to him. I got his voice mail and don't know if he could even hear the message I left over her screaming in the background, but he called back before long and I made her talk to him. I wanted him to hear from her himself the things she complains to me about about being at his house. By now I was in tears as well, so extremely frustrated and feeling so helpless, and then Melanie broke down too because I was crying and she didn't want to listen to Katie's tantrum all the way there. We got to Elk River before she finally stopped.
After she talked to Rob she continued to fuss for a while, but then fell asleep, having exhausted herself. But I was so overwhelmed and exhausted I couldn't stop crying from time to time. She woke up as we passed Princeton and started right in again with how unfair it was and how mean everyone is to her, etc., etc. I dropped them at the house, where she clung to me and begged me not to leave. Then I went a couple blocks away to where Rob was working to talk to him about it all.
I walked up to him crying and sunk my head on his chest, just wanting a moment of understanding and support, an arm around my shoulders telling me it's gonna be ok, we are supposed to be partners in this after all, but he wouldn't touch me. I continued to cry as I told him about all we'd been going through this school year and especially the last month or so, and finally about getting her started on meds yesterday. His step-son has struggled with ADHD as well, so he's actually pretty familiar with working on finding the right dose of meds and the emotional upheaval of getting used to new meds, etc. So at least he'll take the situation seriously.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
"Can't You just teach me Mommy?"
Horrible, agonizing morning. Katie has really latched on to the idea of a medication that can help her concentrate, and has herself convinced that she is worthless without it. She begged me not to make her go to school again until she had "that pill". I just held her, heartbroken and sobbing, and felt completely at a loss as to what to say to her. She says her teacher "doesn't do a thing about it", but when I ask her what she would like her to do to help, she doesn't know. She wants me to teach her at home instead, because I've already learned all the stuff she's learning, so I can just tell it to her. This morning she sobbed, "I'm just a piece of paper!" and asked what she meant, she said, "I just lay there and I can't even do anything!" She was desperate to know when we would be able to see the doctor about the medication, and refused to go to school unless I came with her and asked the teacher if she had sent in her portion of the assessment questionnaire. I did drive her to school and came in to talk to the teacher and just let her know how bad things were this morning and how vulnerable Kate is feeling so she can do as much as she can to try to boost her confidence.
Today is one of those days when I really hate being a single parent, particularly of a child with special needs. I almost called her dad this morning, when she was screaming that she would never go back to school, to let him try to talk to her, but also just for him to experience some of this tough shit that I have to go through on a daily basis. It is so exhausting and overwhelming!
Today is one of those days when I really hate being a single parent, particularly of a child with special needs. I almost called her dad this morning, when she was screaming that she would never go back to school, to let him try to talk to her, but also just for him to experience some of this tough shit that I have to go through on a daily basis. It is so exhausting and overwhelming!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Re-Evaluating
Took Katie back to the Katie Lady yesterday to be re-evaluated to be covered for some more OT. Her first round of OT was summer of 2010 and discharged when she started Kindergarten. She has done really well for about a year, but now in the last couple months we've been having a lot more of the old-style meltdowns again, so I wanted to see if more OT could help at all. The problem is that since SPD isn't quite considered a medical condition, OT has to be submitted/billed as fine or gross motor delay, rather than the sensory problems. Yesterday Katie performed a lot better on the gross motor tests than Katie Lady had expected (guess she's made a lot of progress in the meantime!), so she is not sure if her evaluation will be considered enough to qualify for the services. Now we wait and hope.I think it's also time for me to look for a psychologist for her to see as well. Anyone have any recommendations of someone familiar with SPD? It's so hard to know just which symptoms/behaviors are specifically caused by sensory issues and which are issues of the control that she feels she needs because of the instability of her experience of the world because of the sensory issues. Katie Lady suggested that maybe some of the behaviors are now learned responses that began when she had no better tools of expression, and continue now, even though they are out of proportion, because she hasn't learned alternative ways to express herself. So some sort of behavioral therapy might be the thing to give her skills to regulate her emotions.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Whoa! Flashback
Had an episode this afternoon that felt like we were right back to where we were two years ago. Katie came home from school and immediately demanded that I put on a particular DVD. The show I was watching was not quite over, so I told her it would be her turn in 10 minutes. She was not happy with that answer and began fussing and yelling at me, so she was escorted to her room (not very gently I'm afraid, I admit I got mad in a hurry). She continued to scream and carry on while I watched the remainder of my show. I wanted to just leave her to work it out and settle herself down, but I could hear things crashing and being thrown, so I went in to try to talk to her and keep her from doing any actual damage.
I went in and sat down without saying anything to her. She glowered at me and made a show of tearing up a piece of paper and throwing the tiny bits as far as she could, then picked up some toys and started throwing them around. OT taught us that deep pressure touch and joint compressions can help to calm her body down and reset the switch, so to speak, on her level of arousal. I told Katie it was not ok to throw things in her room, that she needed to control her body, and that I would help her if she was unable to do it on her own. When she chose to continue throwing things and yelling at me, I took her into my lap and held her in sort of a bear hug to provide some of that calming pressure.
She cried and threatened to do every naughty thing she could think of, "I am never going to settle down!" "I am going to break all my crayons in little pieces all over the room!" "I am never brushing my teeth again!" etc, etc. and I just held her silently. I told her I would talk to her when she was under control, and then just waited, all the time wondering if I was doing the right thing.
This hug was meant to provide that deep pressure and joint compression, but I know there have also been times and places when it can be argued that a restraining hold on a child can be abusive. That certainly wasn't my intention, I just really wanted to calm her overwrought system. There are autism spectrum kids who are rolled up in mats, or pressed with large pillows as part of their OT, and Temple Grandin's squeeze machine was created for this very purpose, so I thought this should be ok.
I don't even remember how she eventually wound down. I tried to get her to try some deep breathing with me, but it only made her mad and she says she can't do it when I'm trying to show her how, that I should leave the room and let her do it by herself. The storm was calmed enough by then that I agreed to do that. The whole thing had lasted half an hour.
I left the room exhausted and discouraged that we were back to having those kind of melt downs again. I had thought we were doing better. Disappointed with the way I'd handled the whole thing, feeling like I should be able to manage this better by now, that I should have been able to calm it down faster. I still have so much to learn.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Fear Where Others Find Fun
Picture an average kindergartener going to a cousin's birthday party. She looks forward to it with great anticipation, but problems arise where there is supposed to be fun. The party is at Pump-It-Up, an indoor inflatable play place, and for extra fun, it's a glow-in-the-dark party, so the lights are off and instead there are star-like sparkles and disco lights flashing. It looks really cool and the pumpin' music completes the scene. While the cousin and his friends tumble down the inflatable slide and bounce houses, Katelyn is paralyzed with fear. She cries and clings to me, insisting on being held, and begging to go home.
Katie has always had a serious fear of the dark. Having difficulty with vestibular input, she can't sense where her body is in relation to her surroundings, so she usually relies on her sight to clue her in, but can't in the dark. She finds the flashing lights disorienting The music everyone else finds fun feels like an assault to her sensitive ears, as do the screams and squeals of fun from all the other kids. While Katie loves the proprioceptive input of bouncing and jumping, she only feels safe doing it on her own terms, with no one else around to bump into her or wiggle the inflatable unpredictably. At a party, though, she can't get the bounce house all to herself, so she just sits in the corner of it and screams if anyone else gets too boisterous. Every movement feels to her like being tossed on a stormy sea. She is in perpetual fight-or-flight mode as her body tells her she is in great danger.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Perfectionism
There are some of Katie's struggles that I find hard to connect to the SPD, and this is one of them. One of the reasons I still wonder if I shouldn't have her in for further evaluation somewhere. So, other professionals reading this, let me know what you think.
Katelyn sometimes holds herself to a very high standard of perfection on certain tasks, and then completely loses it if/when she makes a mistake. Take valentines, for instance. Katie was so excited to pick out cards for her first valentine's exchange, and the day the class list came home she sat down immediately to begin writing in the names. Katie actually has quite good handwriting for kindergarten, and for a child with SPD, whose fine motor skills are often poor. But, inevitably, she would get the first few letters too big and not have room for a last letter, or decided a certain letter didn't look the way it should, and her world was fit to end right then and there. Wailing and gnashing of teeth ensued. She'd throw down the pen and scatter the cards, crying that it was "all ruined now" and she'd "never do this right, never!". Thank goodness we had more cards than we needed, because she could not be convinced that any of the mistakes were salvageable with a little correction, but had to start over on them completely after a good 30+ minute cooling off period.
Same sort of reaction last week when she drew pictures for her dad, step-mom and step-brothers to take to them when they went for the weekend. She made one for each, though they were not as elaborate as some of her usual drawings, and sure enough on the last one there was a spelling mishap! Tears, tearing and crumpling of the offending paper ensued before she could be calmed and induced to try again, but then she'd lost the marker she'd been using, and none of the other colors would do, as they would not match, so she melted into a puddle again! Good old Melanie finally found the original color, and all was sorted in the end for delivery the next morning. But, about half an hour into our drive up north there is an ear piercing screech from the back seat, the cause of which cannot be immediately deciphered through all the crying, but turns out to be that she has somehow forgotten one of the pictures at home and it is an inconsolable loss. We remedy the situation with a quick stop at the nearest store for paper and markers, and the universe is in balance again, after a few more stifled sobs.
I don't know why she is so hard on herself this way sometimes, but it is the most heartbreaking thing you'd ever want to see. The level of anxiety she lives with on a daily basis is just so much higher than most kids her age, and I don't know how to help her.
Katelyn sometimes holds herself to a very high standard of perfection on certain tasks, and then completely loses it if/when she makes a mistake. Take valentines, for instance. Katie was so excited to pick out cards for her first valentine's exchange, and the day the class list came home she sat down immediately to begin writing in the names. Katie actually has quite good handwriting for kindergarten, and for a child with SPD, whose fine motor skills are often poor. But, inevitably, she would get the first few letters too big and not have room for a last letter, or decided a certain letter didn't look the way it should, and her world was fit to end right then and there. Wailing and gnashing of teeth ensued. She'd throw down the pen and scatter the cards, crying that it was "all ruined now" and she'd "never do this right, never!". Thank goodness we had more cards than we needed, because she could not be convinced that any of the mistakes were salvageable with a little correction, but had to start over on them completely after a good 30+ minute cooling off period.
Same sort of reaction last week when she drew pictures for her dad, step-mom and step-brothers to take to them when they went for the weekend. She made one for each, though they were not as elaborate as some of her usual drawings, and sure enough on the last one there was a spelling mishap! Tears, tearing and crumpling of the offending paper ensued before she could be calmed and induced to try again, but then she'd lost the marker she'd been using, and none of the other colors would do, as they would not match, so she melted into a puddle again! Good old Melanie finally found the original color, and all was sorted in the end for delivery the next morning. But, about half an hour into our drive up north there is an ear piercing screech from the back seat, the cause of which cannot be immediately deciphered through all the crying, but turns out to be that she has somehow forgotten one of the pictures at home and it is an inconsolable loss. We remedy the situation with a quick stop at the nearest store for paper and markers, and the universe is in balance again, after a few more stifled sobs.
I don't know why she is so hard on herself this way sometimes, but it is the most heartbreaking thing you'd ever want to see. The level of anxiety she lives with on a daily basis is just so much higher than most kids her age, and I don't know how to help her.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Bathing Battles
In her journal I wrote that Katie enjoyed water play throughout the summer before her second birthday. I can't remember when or how things started to go south, but within in a few months bath time became an all out war. Katie developed an intense dread of bathing, an abject terror of the water or even the suggestion of it. I wondered if something traumatic happened at their dad's house to cause the sheer terror, but I never heard of anything.
When bath time came around Kate would absolutely LOSE IT! I always ran the water before she came into the bathroom to avoid the rushing water being loud and frightening, and I never filled it very full at all. But the minute Kate saw the tub she just freaked out. As I lifted her over the edge of the tub she'd pull her legs all the way up to her body in a tiny ball to avoid any part of her touching the water. She'd cling to me, scratching and clawing and trying to climb out of the tub, screaming frantically for her life. It was unbelievable! Heartbreaking! As if I was dropping her into acid or boiling water! My ears would ring for half an hour after it was over. And it took her almost that long to recover from the sobbing and hyperventilating.
Thankfully Katie had very little hair, so it didn't need frequent shampooing. I resorted to basically just giving her sponge baths, saving tub baths for rare occasions. When we moved to our apartment I hoped maybe things might be a bit better, (maybe Mom's bathroom had something to do with the terror?) but no such luck. Every time I gave her a bath I feared a knock on the door from child services, imaging what it must sound like to the neighbors. Gradually, the terror of the water itself ebbed, as long as I kept it very shallow, but shampooing continued to be a nightmare. She developed horrible cradle cap because I just could not wash her hair frequently enough or well enough. It became really disgusting and embarrassing.
When bath time came around Kate would absolutely LOSE IT! I always ran the water before she came into the bathroom to avoid the rushing water being loud and frightening, and I never filled it very full at all. But the minute Kate saw the tub she just freaked out. As I lifted her over the edge of the tub she'd pull her legs all the way up to her body in a tiny ball to avoid any part of her touching the water. She'd cling to me, scratching and clawing and trying to climb out of the tub, screaming frantically for her life. It was unbelievable! Heartbreaking! As if I was dropping her into acid or boiling water! My ears would ring for half an hour after it was over. And it took her almost that long to recover from the sobbing and hyperventilating.
Thankfully Katie had very little hair, so it didn't need frequent shampooing. I resorted to basically just giving her sponge baths, saving tub baths for rare occasions. When we moved to our apartment I hoped maybe things might be a bit better, (maybe Mom's bathroom had something to do with the terror?) but no such luck. Every time I gave her a bath I feared a knock on the door from child services, imaging what it must sound like to the neighbors. Gradually, the terror of the water itself ebbed, as long as I kept it very shallow, but shampooing continued to be a nightmare. She developed horrible cradle cap because I just could not wash her hair frequently enough or well enough. It became really disgusting and embarrassing.
Early morning blowup
Rough start this morning for seemingly no reason.
Katie has been sleeping in my bed for a couple weeks now since she was really sick and fussing all night. Then, once she was better, she continued to want to sleep in my bed, and actually goes to bed voluntarily and stays in the bed in there, so I've let her stay rather than have our nightly battles. She's easy to sleep with because she doesn't like to be touched in her sleep (and neither do I!) so she stays as far away from me as physically possible, so it's almost like she's not even there. Poor Melanie is jealous, as she likes to snuggle and always wants to sleep with me, but she is very clingy at night, and thrashes and kicks so I get no sleep! Trying to point out to her that at least this way it's like she has her own bedroom.
Anyhoo- with the brighter light in the mornings, Kate's been waking plenty early (6:30-7:00 instead of 8:00 or later). 6:50 this morning she decided she wanted the Kid's Cuisine frozen meal she had refused last night. I, however, was not willing to make said meal for breakfast and told her she could have it for dinner. This was highly objectionable to Katie and she absolutely lost it! She sat on the bed and screamed at the top of her lungs! "I want it! I want it! I want it!' and just plain all-out blood curdling scream. I picked her up and placed her in the hall, telling her she could not be in my bed if she chose to act that way. So she screamed even more forcefully, as I closed my eyes to pretend to ignore her.
In a few seconds she gave up on impressing me and went into the other room to scream at Melanie, hoping to get a reaction I'd have to respond to. Mel did well though and didn't get sucked in (way to go baby!) and pretty soon Kate was back in my room, complaining that she just could not stop crying, which I did not fall for, and eventually asking me not to say anything if/when she calmed herself down. This is quite an improvement from a year ago at this time when she would have carried this fit on for an hour or more. Sucks that it happens at all, and in the moment my eardrums were about to burst it felt like an eternity, but she is finally learning to calm down on her own in a comparably short time.
This is one of the incidents where I can't see a clear connection to the SPD, she shouldn't have been overwhelmed first thing in the morning. These incidents still make me think there might be something more underlying the SPD, and still shake my self confidence as a parent, wondering if she really is a brat too. Believe me, I don't have all the answers yet, this blog is about my ongoing journey.
Katie has been sleeping in my bed for a couple weeks now since she was really sick and fussing all night. Then, once she was better, she continued to want to sleep in my bed, and actually goes to bed voluntarily and stays in the bed in there, so I've let her stay rather than have our nightly battles. She's easy to sleep with because she doesn't like to be touched in her sleep (and neither do I!) so she stays as far away from me as physically possible, so it's almost like she's not even there. Poor Melanie is jealous, as she likes to snuggle and always wants to sleep with me, but she is very clingy at night, and thrashes and kicks so I get no sleep! Trying to point out to her that at least this way it's like she has her own bedroom.
Anyhoo- with the brighter light in the mornings, Kate's been waking plenty early (6:30-7:00 instead of 8:00 or later). 6:50 this morning she decided she wanted the Kid's Cuisine frozen meal she had refused last night. I, however, was not willing to make said meal for breakfast and told her she could have it for dinner. This was highly objectionable to Katie and she absolutely lost it! She sat on the bed and screamed at the top of her lungs! "I want it! I want it! I want it!' and just plain all-out blood curdling scream. I picked her up and placed her in the hall, telling her she could not be in my bed if she chose to act that way. So she screamed even more forcefully, as I closed my eyes to pretend to ignore her.
In a few seconds she gave up on impressing me and went into the other room to scream at Melanie, hoping to get a reaction I'd have to respond to. Mel did well though and didn't get sucked in (way to go baby!) and pretty soon Kate was back in my room, complaining that she just could not stop crying, which I did not fall for, and eventually asking me not to say anything if/when she calmed herself down. This is quite an improvement from a year ago at this time when she would have carried this fit on for an hour or more. Sucks that it happens at all, and in the moment my eardrums were about to burst it felt like an eternity, but she is finally learning to calm down on her own in a comparably short time.
This is one of the incidents where I can't see a clear connection to the SPD, she shouldn't have been overwhelmed first thing in the morning. These incidents still make me think there might be something more underlying the SPD, and still shake my self confidence as a parent, wondering if she really is a brat too. Believe me, I don't have all the answers yet, this blog is about my ongoing journey.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Oh the Tantrums!
Katie's tantrums were so severe that I felt like we were walking around on egg shells all the time trying not to set her off.. While we lived with my mom she couldn't stand to listen to Katie carry on and on, so she often insisted we appease Kate one way or another just to get her to settle down and shut up. This, of course, goes against the #1 rule of parenting: consistency. We moved into our own apartment in March 2008, and I thought I would finally be able to teach and use time-outs consistently, but Katie did not embrace this concept.
My first intention was that Katie take her time-out in her bedroom. But this only seems to fuel the fire. She had too much separation anxiety to let me out of her sight, and refused to stay in her room no matter how many times I bring her back. And this was new to her, so maybe I need to start smaller.
So I select a chair in the dining room, where she can see me. Yes, I'll have to hear it, but I figure I can handle that until she gets the hang of it and can be moved into her room. No such luck. She firmly refuses to stay in the chair even for a few seconds. Even if I am very calm and casual about it, suggesting she just "take a little break" before things have even escalated. The whole idea of being deprived of my attention during that time is completely defeated by my repeatedly having to pick her up and place her back on the chair. So, back to the bedroom it is.
When Melanie went through a few weeks of struggles at bedtime my husband installed a hook on the outside of her bedroom door so we could lock it to keep her from coming out. (This should only be done if someone can stay right there to monitor the situation at all times.) But now we lived in an apartment and it might be misunderstood if we installed such a lock here. So I had to stand outside and hold the door shut instead, playing tug of war silently so she would think it was simply locked.
Excerpt from journal entry of Aug 2008: " Last night was awful when Rob brought the girls back home. Katie hadn't had a nap, of course, and was hungry. For the life of me I can't even remember what started the trouble, but she threw a huge fit. So I took her to her room, but she wouldn't stay in it, so I had to shut the door and hold it for 40 minutes while she raged. It was AWFUL! I sat outside the door crying, because she sounded so sad and hurting, but I couldn't back down and let her win the battle, even though all I wanted to do was hold her. At one point I weakened and opened the door and offered to hold her to help her calm down, but she refused and I had to shut the door again and keep waiting it out. I knew she was so tired and conflicted after being at Rob's for the weekend, and she just kept screaming 'I want you! Mommy I want you!' and 'I can't breathe! I can't stop'!' So I finally gave in even before she settled down because it was breaking my heart. At that point it didn't feel like she was being willful anymore, it just seemed like chaos. She let me hold her for a little while then, and I rocked her and took deep breaths for her to hear, though she refused to do them with me."
I remember asking a professor later that week if he though it was possible that she really couldn't calm herself down, or if she just knew it would get my sympathy. He smiled as he told me I was being played. I still wasn't so sure.
(Of course, now I know that it was and is possible that she couldn't control her reactions. The professor meant well, and in most circumstances would probably be right, but this is just one example of how SPD is not commonly known in psychology/therapy circles yet!)
My first intention was that Katie take her time-out in her bedroom. But this only seems to fuel the fire. She had too much separation anxiety to let me out of her sight, and refused to stay in her room no matter how many times I bring her back. And this was new to her, so maybe I need to start smaller.
So I select a chair in the dining room, where she can see me. Yes, I'll have to hear it, but I figure I can handle that until she gets the hang of it and can be moved into her room. No such luck. She firmly refuses to stay in the chair even for a few seconds. Even if I am very calm and casual about it, suggesting she just "take a little break" before things have even escalated. The whole idea of being deprived of my attention during that time is completely defeated by my repeatedly having to pick her up and place her back on the chair. So, back to the bedroom it is.
When Melanie went through a few weeks of struggles at bedtime my husband installed a hook on the outside of her bedroom door so we could lock it to keep her from coming out. (This should only be done if someone can stay right there to monitor the situation at all times.) But now we lived in an apartment and it might be misunderstood if we installed such a lock here. So I had to stand outside and hold the door shut instead, playing tug of war silently so she would think it was simply locked.
Excerpt from journal entry of Aug 2008: " Last night was awful when Rob brought the girls back home. Katie hadn't had a nap, of course, and was hungry. For the life of me I can't even remember what started the trouble, but she threw a huge fit. So I took her to her room, but she wouldn't stay in it, so I had to shut the door and hold it for 40 minutes while she raged. It was AWFUL! I sat outside the door crying, because she sounded so sad and hurting, but I couldn't back down and let her win the battle, even though all I wanted to do was hold her. At one point I weakened and opened the door and offered to hold her to help her calm down, but she refused and I had to shut the door again and keep waiting it out. I knew she was so tired and conflicted after being at Rob's for the weekend, and she just kept screaming 'I want you! Mommy I want you!' and 'I can't breathe! I can't stop'!' So I finally gave in even before she settled down because it was breaking my heart. At that point it didn't feel like she was being willful anymore, it just seemed like chaos. She let me hold her for a little while then, and I rocked her and took deep breaths for her to hear, though she refused to do them with me."
I remember asking a professor later that week if he though it was possible that she really couldn't calm herself down, or if she just knew it would get my sympathy. He smiled as he told me I was being played. I still wasn't so sure.
(Of course, now I know that it was and is possible that she couldn't control her reactions. The professor meant well, and in most circumstances would probably be right, but this is just one example of how SPD is not commonly known in psychology/therapy circles yet!)
Child psych 101
I'm trained in, and a firm believer in, a parenting program call Parenting With Love & Logic. Three keys parts of its philosophy are:
1) Insisting that children own their own problems and don't make them a problem for anyone else. Therefore, my child has the right to be upset about something, that's ok, it's her problem; but if I then have to listen to her crying and screaming, she's creating a problem for me, which is not ok.
2) I try not to give orders I can't enforce, because if/when the child refuses, my words mean nothing and I lose all credibility.
3) Tantrums, and many other misbehaviors, are usually a bid for attention, or a means of manipulation, which if even occasionally successful, will be used again, and again, and again, and again.
This is very sound theory and, when applied appropriately, should work with most kids.
So, I don't tell my child not to have a fit (because I can't control that, and it will certainly backfire), I tell her where she needs to be if she chooses to have the fit, namely away from me, where it won't hassle my ears and will not be awarded attention. In her room.
Love & Logic suggests asking the child if she will need the door open or closed, theorizing that the child who feels in control of this option will be less likely to resist it. If the child shows by his behavior that he cannot handle having the door open, we show that we read his signs by closing it for him. Some kids will actually leave the door alone. Some will test the parent by peeking out, but give up when they see the parent patiently waiting outside. The whole idea is for the child to eventually learn "If I choose unacceptable behavior, I will have to spend time alone in my room. That's not very much fun and I may miss out on something". Later, when warned, the child will decide to change their behavior instead, or if time-out is necessary, they have time to calm down before rejoining the family. As long as parents make sure the behavior doesn't pays off for the child, he'll soon give it up as useless.
But what if she doesn't? What if you do everything 'right' and it only makes it worse? 'The child is stubborn, don't give in, be consistent.' Ok, but where do you draw the line?
1) Insisting that children own their own problems and don't make them a problem for anyone else. Therefore, my child has the right to be upset about something, that's ok, it's her problem; but if I then have to listen to her crying and screaming, she's creating a problem for me, which is not ok.
2) I try not to give orders I can't enforce, because if/when the child refuses, my words mean nothing and I lose all credibility.
3) Tantrums, and many other misbehaviors, are usually a bid for attention, or a means of manipulation, which if even occasionally successful, will be used again, and again, and again, and again.
This is very sound theory and, when applied appropriately, should work with most kids.
So, I don't tell my child not to have a fit (because I can't control that, and it will certainly backfire), I tell her where she needs to be if she chooses to have the fit, namely away from me, where it won't hassle my ears and will not be awarded attention. In her room.
Love & Logic suggests asking the child if she will need the door open or closed, theorizing that the child who feels in control of this option will be less likely to resist it. If the child shows by his behavior that he cannot handle having the door open, we show that we read his signs by closing it for him. Some kids will actually leave the door alone. Some will test the parent by peeking out, but give up when they see the parent patiently waiting outside. The whole idea is for the child to eventually learn "If I choose unacceptable behavior, I will have to spend time alone in my room. That's not very much fun and I may miss out on something". Later, when warned, the child will decide to change their behavior instead, or if time-out is necessary, they have time to calm down before rejoining the family. As long as parents make sure the behavior doesn't pays off for the child, he'll soon give it up as useless.
But what if she doesn't? What if you do everything 'right' and it only makes it worse? 'The child is stubborn, don't give in, be consistent.' Ok, but where do you draw the line?
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