Requesting IEP evaluation/504 plan

I was not at all familiar with the protocol for requesting and IEP (Individualized Education Plan) evaluation or 504 plan when Katie's therapist suggested it in December (2013).  I decided to wait until after the winter break and discussed it with a couple other mothers I knew whose kids receive special ed services.  The girls' step-mother,  (or Bonus Mom, as they call her) Mary had been through this process with her elder son and encouraged me to push for a full IEP evaluation, even if we didn't really think Katie would qualify, just to be sure it was all covered and nothing was missed.

When school resumed I called and spoke with the Student Services Coordinator at Katie's school and requested such an evaluation.  He immediately tried to put me off by saying that at their school they really didn't like to jump right into full-on Special Education assessments (required for the IEP) right away, because it involves hours of testing and evaluation by a multidisciplinary team of staff.  Instead, it was really their policy to start with a 504 plan and see if the issues could be addressed that way before resorting to a full-blown SpEd assessment.  He did not actually refuse to do it, but I was very strongly persuaded that it was the way they usually did things, especially for problems as "minor" as Katie's.  

So I agreed to start with the 504 plan, just to get things rolling.  I really didn't understand (and still really don't) the difference between the 504 and IEP anyway (except that IEP services are much more comprehensive).  He told me they were in the middle of working on plans for a couple other students and could then meet with me to talk about Katie's needs.

A meeting was held Jan 21st between myself, the services coordinator, Katie's two primary teachers, and several other district specialists like the school counselor, psychologist, nurse etc.  They asked me to describe the struggles Katie was having and what I would like them to help her with at school, consulting with the teachers as we went to see what their perspective was.  

I told them how it had actually all started with a transportation issue, which they had been told had been addressed, and why the change which had been made was still unacceptable.  They agreed that walking around the pool was a bit too much to ask, and assured me they could get something else in place right away.

As to what else I was concerned about, it was hard to put into words exactly.  I did mention Kate's utter lack of organization, and did request that someone check in with her in the morning and before she left for the day to see that she had what she needed to get homework done and turned it back in when she brought it back.  Described how she can become perfectionistic and get upset when things aren't the way she wants them, needing time to calm herself down.  In the end they had me sign a bunch of releases so they could get documentation from her therapist, doctor and Alexander Center, and told me we would meet again in about 2 weeks to discuss what they felt they could offer to help.

Power Struggle Stand-Off

We are in the middle of being held hostage by my daughter's unreasonable behavior, and I HATE it!

Katie has had very little homework sent home so far this year, so we haven't had much chance to get into a regular routine for doing it.  Recently she has started to have occasional worksheets, but has been giving me a lot of hassle when it comes to actually sitting down and doing them.  We talked about this with her therapist last week and Kate said she was embarrassed and ashamed of herself to have me call her on it and promised to do better, understanding that she needs to get her work out of the way first thing before doing other activities at night.

But today she came home and immediately got resistant when I asked if she has homework.  I don't mind giving them a little bit of time to unwind when they first get home from school, so I told her she could watch one episode of one of her shows, but then it was time for work.  She has watched the show, but now refuses to take out the homework.  Threw herself on the floor, rolling around saying, "I won't, I won't" and getting herself all worked up.  

Then she tried to claim that Ms Katie had told her whenever she was feeling upset she could just play a game with me to help her calm down.  I told her that wasn't meant for this type of situation, but she has been laying on the floor refusing to work until I play a game.  I said I'd be happy to play a game when the homework is done, but not before.  We are at a stalemate, as she says she is happy to lay there on the floor until I play a game, and I clearly am not going to give in and play any games until the homework is done, if then.  

Just now she ramped up the tantrum even more, screaming so she can't even hear the instructions I'm trying to give her.  So I yelled once, to get her attention and tell her to listen to what I'm saying, but now she is screaming and carrying on that she's scared of me because I yelled.  I am at my wit's and and want to pull my hair out, or thrash her within an inch of her life, so I said she needed to go to her room and be away from me right now.  She's currently in the bedroom screaming about how much I hate her and no one cares about her.  I hate this kind of situation when there is nothing I can do, just feeling hostage to my own child.

Starting Therapy

Just before the end of the school year last spring I got Katie started seeing a child therapist at Nystrom & Associates right here near us.  Her therapist's name also happens to be Katie (actually part of what helped me decide to choose her!), so she is known as Miss Katie in our house.  At first it was hard to explain exactly what is was I was bringing Kate there to work on.  She doesn't have the sort of meltdowns we used to have so frequently anymore.  But with all that has been going on, all the change and restrictions with living with Grandma, I thought it would be good for Katie to have someone to process it all with.  We also saw her pediatrician and got her Prozac dosage raised to 20 mg/daily since everything in our world seemed so up in the air and unsettled and there have been a lot of adjustments to go through.  

Katie likes visiting Miss Katie, especially because she is sometimes allowed to draw on her large windows with special markers! (Kate is quite the little artist!!)  At first Katie was doing a lot of complaining about things that go on at her dad's house and why she did not like going up there for his weekends.  That was hard for me to hear because there is really nothing I can do about any of that.  A change in Rob's work schedule at the beginning of the summer made some changes that I think have made things better for her now, and Rob and Mary were good enough to come down and meet with Miss Katie and Kate to talk about some of her concerns, so at least she got to feel like she was heard.

We're working on Katie taking control of her reactions when she has negative feelings, learning how to calm her body down and not over react.  She has admitted that she doesn't have the fits of temper at Rob's house that she does at mine occasionally, so we are trying to explore why that is and what we can do about it.  (My personal opinion is that she is too intimidated by Rob and Mary to misbehave around them and holds herself together out of pure fear.)  I do admit that my consistency in following through with discipline hasn't been as strong as it should be. She definitely has a knack for wearing me down, so it is a learning experience for us both.

Consulting a professional

Ok, so I realize I was getting way too detailed about all the early development stuff.  The idea was to point out the early indicators of her sensory issues, but I think it was getting awfully boring.  So, let's get to the point, right?

Katie's 3rd birthday, overwhelmed.

So the point was, Katie became a real little handful, and I was at a loss to know what to do about it.  I felt like a fool, because this is supposed to be my field, my area of knowledge, and I was failing miserably.  I took Katie to a child psychologist the week after her 3rd birthday, and we saw her for a few months, but she couldn't pinpoint any particular diagnosis that fit either. She mentioned a referral for an occupational therapy assessment, but I guess I sort of brushed that off, as I didn't really understand what that had to do with anything.

Sometimes I wondered if this problem was all in my head.  Maybe this was just Kate's personality.  Maybe I was just dropping the ball as a single parent.  Rob never seemed to have these sort of issues with her behavior. Maybe I was just too easy on her and needed to get tough.  Maybe I was just lazy.  Maybe being in this profession I was seeing "symptoms" were there really were none.  Maybe.  But I just didn't think so.  After all, I wasn't really parenting that much differently than I had with Melanie.  Sure they're different kids, but the same principles should still apply.  Yes, toddlers are difficult, sure they have tantrums, but something about this just seemed over the top.  She was so intense, so over reactive, and she couldn't seem to get over things like a 'normal' kid would.

At the time Kate was having terrible separation anxiety when it was time to go to her father's house for his weekends. Rob had moved in with his girlfriend Mary about a year after leaving our home, and she has two sons of her own.  I'd met Mary and she seemed to really care for the girls, and her sons were both very sweet to them.  But each week Katie would cry all through the drive up there, and then clung to me screaming when I tried to hand her to Rob.  I eventually insisted on him getting her out of the car seat himself so she couldn't get a hold of me.  I cried every time as I drove away.  It was torture!