New Year, New School, New Start

When I first told Katie I was transferring her to another school, she protested for a few minutes, but didn't put up much of a fuss once I explained that this other school would have better ways to help her with all the things that frustrated her last year.

It wasn't long before this theory was tested.  Tears on the second day.  The teacher brought out a math assessment type test that was just meant to see how far they could get in one minute.  Katie got upset and panicked, (she hates timed tests) and was promptly taken to see the school counselor in order to calm down.  Ms Margot is a very nice lady who Katie was happy to meet, and this saved her the embarrassment of having her whole class witness her meltdown.  

From that moment on, Ms Margot began popping in to check on Kate several times a day.  They developed a thumbs-up/thumbs-down system for Katie to silently let Margot know how she's doing without drawing attention.  Kate's teacher, Mrs Phillips, responded immediately by allowing Katie to do the tests un-timed and in a separate setting from then on so as not to panic her again.  

I don't remember if it was Ms Margot or Mrs Phillips, but one of them called me that very day to tell me what had happened, what they'd done to intervene, and their plans for future incidents.  I was so impressed!  Again, the relief was so incredible.  The fact that they immediately went into action and didn't wait for it to become a pattern was so reassuring. So hopeful!

Though Mr P had encouraged me to write that letter requesting the Special Ed evaluation right away at the beginning of the year, that wasn't quite practical.  In order to do the evaluation they really needed to be able to observe her and gather some baseline data before they could launch into full eval.  So it was put on hold for a time.

Hayes does have a grant funded program called ADSIS (Alternative Delivery of Specialized Instructional Services) for kids who don't qualify, or have yet to be assessed, for SpEd services.  It provides additional academic or behavioral support for struggling kids as needed.  Mr Cooper is the Behavioral Intervention Specialist in charge of that program, and while we wait a bit to go forward with the eval, Kate can access the ADSIS services.  If Ms Margot is not available at a time Kate needs some support, she can go to Mr Cooper's room for a break.  

Further into the year they built into her day two scheduled "sensory" breaks in the morning and afternoon, when she goes to his office for a 10 min break.  My intention when suggesting this was that she be given time and space to do some heavy work to help calm and reset her system, but at first she told me she was just going to his room and playing games on a tablet.  I have since requested that he have her do something physical instead to get the full benefit if the break. 

Sad Self Punishment

What I didn't mention about the incident at school yesterday was the way Katie decided to punish herself.  While at the doctor I noticed she had a big, fat rubber band around her wrist and asked her what for.  She said she put it there so that if she was "bad" again she could snap herself with it to hurt and punish herself.  Poor lamb :(  I told her that wasn't necessary.  That she isn't "bad", she just made a poor choice and made a mistake and that we were at the doctor to get some better meds to help her not react to others so easily.

At her conference with her teacher he brought this rubber band issue up as well.  He had noted it and talked to her about it already, but restated to her that he did not ever want to see her hurting herself, that she is a good girl and had punished herself enough just by feeling so bad about it.

Another precaution Kate took today was to fill her lunch bag with band-aids and cotton gauze, in case she got out of control and hurt someone again :(   She said she offered the boy she hurt a band aid, but he didn't want it.

Impulsive Aggression

Katie came running to me off the bus yesterday crying so hard I almost couldn't understand her.  "I just didn't think!  I don't know what's happening to me!  I didn't control myself!", was what I could make out.  I hugged her and told her it would be ok and we'd talk about it when we got home.  

I sat her down, told her I wouldn't be angry and asked her to start from the beginning and tell me what happened.  Apparently there was a video the class would be able to watch if everyone was finished with their work in time.  The boy next to her was bothering/distracting Katie to the point that she finally grabbed his hand and bent his wrist back, scraping her nails across the back of it.  

She was SO upset with herself! She couldn't believe she had done it, but admitted it wasn't really an accident, she just got so frustrated!  She said she didn't know what was happening to her and she didn't think she deserved anything good.  She said the boy didn't even tell on her, she told on herself.  The teacher said he would have to write it up and she was terrified of what that would mean.  "I've never been written up for anything in my life!!", she wailed.  

Katie has never physically acted out in anger or frustration with anyone like this before, so I decided to talk to her doctor and see what she thought about it.  As it happened we were able to get in to see the pediatrician right away today and decided to up the dose of her Concerta to help with the frustration tolerance, distraction and impulsivity as the old dose doesn't seem to be cutting it this year.  We had a short conference with her teacher this afternoon too where I was able to explain her SPD and anxiety issues and he seems very willing to work on whatever she needs.

Starting Therapy

Just before the end of the school year last spring I got Katie started seeing a child therapist at Nystrom & Associates right here near us.  Her therapist's name also happens to be Katie (actually part of what helped me decide to choose her!), so she is known as Miss Katie in our house.  At first it was hard to explain exactly what is was I was bringing Kate there to work on.  She doesn't have the sort of meltdowns we used to have so frequently anymore.  But with all that has been going on, all the change and restrictions with living with Grandma, I thought it would be good for Katie to have someone to process it all with.  We also saw her pediatrician and got her Prozac dosage raised to 20 mg/daily since everything in our world seemed so up in the air and unsettled and there have been a lot of adjustments to go through.  

Katie likes visiting Miss Katie, especially because she is sometimes allowed to draw on her large windows with special markers! (Kate is quite the little artist!!)  At first Katie was doing a lot of complaining about things that go on at her dad's house and why she did not like going up there for his weekends.  That was hard for me to hear because there is really nothing I can do about any of that.  A change in Rob's work schedule at the beginning of the summer made some changes that I think have made things better for her now, and Rob and Mary were good enough to come down and meet with Miss Katie and Kate to talk about some of her concerns, so at least she got to feel like she was heard.

We're working on Katie taking control of her reactions when she has negative feelings, learning how to calm her body down and not over react.  She has admitted that she doesn't have the fits of temper at Rob's house that she does at mine occasionally, so we are trying to explore why that is and what we can do about it.  (My personal opinion is that she is too intimidated by Rob and Mary to misbehave around them and holds herself together out of pure fear.)  I do admit that my consistency in following through with discipline hasn't been as strong as it should be. She definitely has a knack for wearing me down, so it is a learning experience for us both.

Reliance on Medication

Got a call from Katie's teacher this morning because Kate told her she'd forgotten to take her pill this morning.  I let the teacher know that we hadn't actually forgotten the meds, but had decided to take her off of it because it seemed to be making her more nutty than usual.  I spoke to Katie to and reminded her we'd talked about this and she remembered.

Half an hour later though the teacher was calling again because Kate was getting really worked up about not having had a pill.  She was convinced she couldn't function for the day without it.  So I went to school to give her one more just so she could get through the day, and then Dad can deal with her over the holiday weekend!

Can't go on like this!

Well, I guess school work is going much better, but we are an absolute mess at home.  She come in the door crying after school and is freaked out and worried about everything under the sun.  

The other night there was a parent's night at school and she was hysterical in tears because she was so worried that I would be disappointed with her for not finishing coloring the sky on her picture today.  Once I assured her that I would not be unhappy with her for anything at school she started in about how worried she is about summer. "Oh, woe is me, summer is just so hot and I just get so hot so fast and I just can't stand it!" type stuff, only in serious distress! Sobbing and wailing like her dog had just died or something!! 

She hasn't slept the night in her own bed for over a week now.  She's scared of everything!  Last night  she said she couldn't stop thinking about the zombie movie her step-brothers "made" her watch that was too scary. Nightmares, noises, you name it, she's worried about it.  She seems to think she has to have actual skin-to-skin contact with me at all times or she panics like a toddler with separation anxiety.  Even when she's sleeping with me, she's whimpering in her sleep! This is not working.

Rough start

Well, Kate's first day on meds was not the miracle she had hoped for.  She came home and frumped on the couch and wouldn't answer me about how the day went.  "I don't want to tell you!", was all she would say, getting teary.  I set aside what I was doing to talk with her more directly and find out why she was upset.  "I never wanna talk about it! I don't wanna tell you!"  Well, if that doesn't send up red flags...  If she's getting that upset I really need to know what happened!  "I don't wanna say anything. I'm gonna get grounded and you're gonna talk to me for a long time about it!"  Ok, so she thinks she's in trouble, but I can't imagine her ever doing anything too terrible. 

Eventually, with much drama and tears she eventually told me.  One of the girls in her class is frequently bossy to her, and Katie told her that she acts like she's the queen of the school.  This caused the little girl to cry, which got the teacher's attention, who came over to speak to them, which caused Katie to cry as well, and she was horribly embarrassed.

Poor Kate, so worried about something so innocent.  She was completely overwrought and took a long time to settle down even after I told her I was not mad at her.  I told her it is ok to stand up for herself as long as she does it nicely and I knew she hadn't meant to make the other girl cry.  She did say that she felt like the pill had helped her, "but then it all got ruined".

Praise the Lord!  We were able to get in to see the doctor already today!  She agreed completely with a diagnosis of ADHD and we were given an Adderall prescription.  Starting at 5mg for a week, then deciding if we need to bump it up to 10mg if there's still room for improvement.  She took one right away in the car before she went to school after the appointment. Let the teacher and school nurse know she's started the meds, so we will all see how it goes!

"Can't You just teach me Mommy?"

Horrible, agonizing morning.  Katie has really latched on to the idea of a medication that can help her concentrate, and has herself convinced that she is worthless without it.  She begged me not to make her go to school again until she had "that pill".  I just held her, heartbroken and sobbing, and felt completely at a loss as to what to say to her.  She says her teacher "doesn't do a thing about it", but when I ask her what she would like her to do to help, she doesn't know.  She wants me to teach her at home instead, because I've already learned all the stuff she's learning, so I can just tell it to her.  This morning she sobbed, "I'm just a piece of paper!" and asked what she meant, she said, "I just lay there and I can't even do anything!"  She was desperate to know when we would be able to see the doctor about the medication, and refused to go to school unless I came with her and asked the teacher if she had sent in her portion of the assessment questionnaire.  I did drive her to school and came in to talk to the teacher and just let her know how bad things were this morning and how vulnerable Kate is feeling so she can do as much as she can to try to boost her confidence.

Today is one of those days when I really hate being a single parent, particularly of a child with special needs. I almost called her dad this morning, when she was screaming that she would never go back to school, to let him try to talk to her, but also just for him to experience some of this tough shit that I have to go through on a daily basis.  It is so exhausting and overwhelming!

Thankfully the doctor's office did call this morning, and we got an appointment this week already on Thursday, so hopefully she will be relieved to hear that.

"I'm never going back to school again!"

Very, very unhappy little girl after school today!  Broke my heart, as a mother, to see her so agonized.  Katie is convinced that she is stupid, that she is completely hopeless, because she cannot concentrate in school and get things done like the other kids in her class.  Had a whole long tearful tirade about how school is awful and no one there likes her and even the girls who are supposed to be her friends aren't nice to her and her teacher hates her and is always mad at her and her big sister hates her too and won't wave to her in the lunchroom and the neighbor girl ignores her too, and so on and so on.  Absolutely shattered and sobbing.

I'm so angry with myself for not getting on top of this sooner, before she really started to internalize it.  I thought I had to find the best place to get comprehensive care, but realize now that it can't wait any longer.  I talked to her about some people's brains having a harder time focusing and remembering, and that there is some medication we might be able to try to help her be less distracted.  At first she thought that was hopeless as well, but then she came out of bed at 10:40 last night to tell me she thought maybe she could try it.  Poor thing, laying awake that late worrying about it!  I decided to just start with her regular pediatrician for now and get her on some meds as soon as possible, and worry about more thorough assessment later when I find the "right" place.

Rocket Math Blues

Katie is feeling really down on herself lately over "Rocket Math", a timed drill with approximately 20-25 addition &/or subtraction problems they are given a minute to complete.  Apparently there are different levels, when you can complete sheet A in one minute, you move up to sheet B, then C, and so on.  Katie came home crying because she is still on sheet A, and most of her friends are nearing the end of the alphabet.  She knows the answers, she just cannot complete it within that one minute, so she's been stuck at that first level all year.  Poor Luv!  She feels really stupid and is embarrassed  to have her friends know what level she is on.  She says she never wants to go to school again.  I need to be looking into the best place to get her some further evaluation.

Perfectionism

There are some of Katie's struggles that  I find hard to connect to the SPD, and this is one of them.  One of the reasons I still wonder if I shouldn't have her in for further evaluation somewhere.  So, other professionals reading this, let me know what you think.

Katelyn sometimes holds herself to a very high standard of perfection on certain tasks, and then completely loses it if/when she makes a mistake.  Take valentines, for instance.  Katie was so excited to pick out cards for her first valentine's exchange, and the day the class list came home she sat down immediately to begin writing in the names.  Katie actually has quite good handwriting for kindergarten, and for a child with SPD, whose fine motor skills are often poor.  But, inevitably, she would get the first few letters too big and not have room for a last letter, or decided a certain letter didn't look the way it should, and her world was fit to end right then and there.  Wailing and gnashing of teeth ensued.  She'd throw down the pen and scatter the cards, crying that it was "all ruined now" and she'd "never do this right, never!".  Thank goodness we had more cards than we needed, because she could not be convinced that any of the mistakes were salvageable with a little correction, but had to start over on them completely after a good 30+ minute cooling off period.

Same sort of reaction last week when she drew pictures for her dad, step-mom and step-brothers to take to them when they went for the weekend.  She made one for each, though they were not as elaborate as some of her usual drawings, and sure enough on the last one there was a spelling mishap!  Tears, tearing and crumpling of the offending paper ensued before she could be calmed and induced to try again, but then she'd lost the marker she'd been using, and none of the other colors would do, as they would not match, so she melted into a puddle again!  Good old Melanie finally found the original color, and all was sorted in the end for delivery the next morning.  But, about half an hour into our drive up north there is an ear piercing screech from the back seat, the cause of which cannot be immediately deciphered through all the crying, but turns out to be that she has somehow forgotten one of the pictures at home and it is an inconsolable loss.  We remedy the situation with a quick stop at the nearest store for paper and markers, and the universe is in balance again, after a few more stifled sobs.

I don't know why she is so hard on herself this way sometimes, but it is the most heartbreaking thing you'd ever want to see.  The level of anxiety she lives with on a daily basis is just so much higher than most kids her age, and I don't know how to help her.