Uh oh, Here We Go...

Things went pretty smoothly for the first few weeks of school.

I suffered a personal setback when I was laid off from my job and suddenly had to face the pressure of looking for another one again.  The very day I was told, I got a call from Ms Margot, just wanting to tell me how much she was enjoying working with Katie and that she was a very sweet little girl.  She also said, "I just wanted to tell you, Katie is very proud of the work you do, working with homeless people.  She told us all about how you help people who've never even had their own bed before."  I broke down crying then, telling her I'd just lost the job Katie was so proud of!  

By the end of Sept. Kate started having some conflicts with some classmates and a couple days in a row she came out to the car after school with her backpack held up covering her face like a shield because she didn't want people to see she was crying.  

When I talked to her the first day, she told me another girl got mad at her for "just being herself".  I asked what just being herself meant, and Katie did admit that she was being kinda goofy (she'd announced that she'd just farted). A girl at her table, Takyra, told Katie she was annoying (BIG trigger word for Kate!!) and went and told the teacher on her.  Though the teacher said nothing to her about it, Katie felt herself to be "in trouble" over it and she started to cry (she does any time an adult is brought into things).  She said she wished Takyra would have just asked her to stop instead of going to tell the teacher right away.  

The next day she came out to the car crying again.  This time she'd wanted to read a book Takyra had, and had asked Takyra to let her have it when she finished.  Instead Takyra gave it to someone else.  Katie confronted her about it, reminding her that she'd asked to have it next and Takyra told her she didn't need to cry over every little thing and to stop being such a baby (another major trigger word!).  Kate says she wasn't even crying at first when she was confronting her, it was only "after she said those things" that she'd started to cry, so it wasn't even fair, coz she wasn't even crying!  "Ugh, Takyra is so mean!!"

End of a difficult year

You're probably tired of hearing me complain about Kate's school, but there were just a couple more issues I'll mention to close out that school year.

The 504 plan had stated a place would be provided for Katie to go to calm down when she got upset.  At home she has a small space behind an armchair where she likes to go, which she calls her Katie Space.  She craves the tight confined space, similar to Temple Grandin's squeeze boxes, only without any actual pressure.  No space was specifically provided at school, so Katie improvised by curling up in the space under her desk.  This was not acceptable to her homeroom teacher, however, and she felt she was "yelled at" for doing it.  Here she was, recognizing her body's need to re-regulate itself to calm down and trying to self sooth, and she felt she was punished for it.  I can understand that having her under the desk might not be ideal and could be distracting to others in class, so the teacher had every right to say this was not a valid option, but then GIVE HER ANOTHER OPTION!  

Another trick Katie tried to use to limit distractions from other kids around her while she was working was setting opened folders in front of her at the corners of her desk to sort of screen herself in, as had been suggested by another teacher a previous year.  This too was met with disapproval by her teacher, and she was not allowed to use them.  Here again, the poor girl is recognizing her need for a strategy and trying to problem solve for herself, and is met with (in her eyes) condemnation. 

What would have been the final straw, if I had heard of it before the last week or so of the school year was when Kate came home upset one day, reporting it had been the worst day of her life (not unusual that year).  When asked why, she became teary and told me she had been upset about something and was crying in class.  "But Mr Bush didn't even notice me or say anything!", she moaned.  "Finally, I just went up to him to tell him about it, but he just put up his hand (in a "talk-to-the-hand" type gesture) and said, 'Nope! Katie, nope, that's drama. Drama, drama, we're not gonna have drama now.  Go back to your seat.' "

Now, I understand that there are some attention seeking children who will and do create drama just to get adults' attention, and need boundaries set about when and how their issues will be addressed.  But that is not Katie.  When a child with identified special emotional needs comes to you crying, they need something from you. Their equilibrium is upset, and they need help to regulate themselves back to a balanced state.  Dismissing the child out of hand and telling her to go away with her messy emotions is about as far from what she needs as you can get.  

It was then that it became clear to me what her homeroom teacher's view of Katie and her needs was, and just what an oppressive environment she had been struggling in all year.  Here is the sort of person whose basic philosophy is that kids with struggles should "just toughen up and get over it".  "Quit being such a baby and just deal with it".  My God! Don't you think they would if they could?!  Do you think they enjoy going to pieces over seemingly little things in front of all their peers??! Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is for them to lose emotional control in front of everyone!? 

I found it interesting to note on her report card that in the columns marked 'Uses CARES skills'  (Cooperation, Assertion, Responsibility, Empathy, and Self-Control.) all of her other teachers said Katie did this consistently, while her homeroom teacher said only sometimes. Clearly, they were not well matched.  I still think about writing that teacher a letter to let him know how badly he dropped the ball with Katie. What a chance he had to make a real difference in her life at a really hard time, and how he'd missed it.  I had been so excited for her to have a male teacher for a strong male influence in her life, since her father is so uninvolved.  Having his support and encouragement could have given her such confidence and strength.  Instead, she got the same message I'm afraid she often get's at her Dad's house, "Quit being such a baby and just toughen up."

Afraid of men?

I've just noticed lately that Katie has an anxiety about certain men.  At least 2 different mornings when I've driven her to the bus stop and she started to open the door to get out, she held back and actually got back in the car to wait until one man walking by got past us the one time, and a man out jogging passed us the other time.  Both of those gentlemen happened to be African-American. 

There has never been any prejudice in our home about African-Americans, or any other ethnicities.  Throughout all her school years her classes have always been at least 50% minorities and it has never seemed to phase her.  She has never mentioned the ethnicity of any of her friends, as if she doesn't even notice.  Then yesterday when we went to the store I sent her around the corner to hold one of the hall doors open for us coming through with our hands full.  After a minute I heard, "Mommy?" in a voice of concern, and as I came around the corner saw that a Latino man was coming through the door she was holding open and she was pressing herself back as far away from him as possible. 

This is an interesting contrast from the way she she sometimes acts around other men whose attention she seems to crave.  I've often been concerned about her lack of boundaries with other men at times, since I know it can make her vulnerable to be preyed upon when she craves male attention so much.  Something that merits more observation and discussion...

Sad Self Punishment

What I didn't mention about the incident at school yesterday was the way Katie decided to punish herself.  While at the doctor I noticed she had a big, fat rubber band around her wrist and asked her what for.  She said she put it there so that if she was "bad" again she could snap herself with it to hurt and punish herself.  Poor lamb :(  I told her that wasn't necessary.  That she isn't "bad", she just made a poor choice and made a mistake and that we were at the doctor to get some better meds to help her not react to others so easily.

At her conference with her teacher he brought this rubber band issue up as well.  He had noted it and talked to her about it already, but restated to her that he did not ever want to see her hurting herself, that she is a good girl and had punished herself enough just by feeling so bad about it.

Another precaution Kate took today was to fill her lunch bag with band-aids and cotton gauze, in case she got out of control and hurt someone again :(   She said she offered the boy she hurt a band aid, but he didn't want it.

Impulsive Aggression

Katie came running to me off the bus yesterday crying so hard I almost couldn't understand her.  "I just didn't think!  I don't know what's happening to me!  I didn't control myself!", was what I could make out.  I hugged her and told her it would be ok and we'd talk about it when we got home.  

I sat her down, told her I wouldn't be angry and asked her to start from the beginning and tell me what happened.  Apparently there was a video the class would be able to watch if everyone was finished with their work in time.  The boy next to her was bothering/distracting Katie to the point that she finally grabbed his hand and bent his wrist back, scraping her nails across the back of it.  

She was SO upset with herself! She couldn't believe she had done it, but admitted it wasn't really an accident, she just got so frustrated!  She said she didn't know what was happening to her and she didn't think she deserved anything good.  She said the boy didn't even tell on her, she told on herself.  The teacher said he would have to write it up and she was terrified of what that would mean.  "I've never been written up for anything in my life!!", she wailed.  

Katie has never physically acted out in anger or frustration with anyone like this before, so I decided to talk to her doctor and see what she thought about it.  As it happened we were able to get in to see the pediatrician right away today and decided to up the dose of her Concerta to help with the frustration tolerance, distraction and impulsivity as the old dose doesn't seem to be cutting it this year.  We had a short conference with her teacher this afternoon too where I was able to explain her SPD and anxiety issues and he seems very willing to work on whatever she needs.

Starting Therapy

Just before the end of the school year last spring I got Katie started seeing a child therapist at Nystrom & Associates right here near us.  Her therapist's name also happens to be Katie (actually part of what helped me decide to choose her!), so she is known as Miss Katie in our house.  At first it was hard to explain exactly what is was I was bringing Kate there to work on.  She doesn't have the sort of meltdowns we used to have so frequently anymore.  But with all that has been going on, all the change and restrictions with living with Grandma, I thought it would be good for Katie to have someone to process it all with.  We also saw her pediatrician and got her Prozac dosage raised to 20 mg/daily since everything in our world seemed so up in the air and unsettled and there have been a lot of adjustments to go through.  

Katie likes visiting Miss Katie, especially because she is sometimes allowed to draw on her large windows with special markers! (Kate is quite the little artist!!)  At first Katie was doing a lot of complaining about things that go on at her dad's house and why she did not like going up there for his weekends.  That was hard for me to hear because there is really nothing I can do about any of that.  A change in Rob's work schedule at the beginning of the summer made some changes that I think have made things better for her now, and Rob and Mary were good enough to come down and meet with Miss Katie and Kate to talk about some of her concerns, so at least she got to feel like she was heard.

We're working on Katie taking control of her reactions when she has negative feelings, learning how to calm her body down and not over react.  She has admitted that she doesn't have the fits of temper at Rob's house that she does at mine occasionally, so we are trying to explore why that is and what we can do about it.  (My personal opinion is that she is too intimidated by Rob and Mary to misbehave around them and holds herself together out of pure fear.)  I do admit that my consistency in following through with discipline hasn't been as strong as it should be. She definitely has a knack for wearing me down, so it is a learning experience for us both.

Reliance on Medication

Got a call from Katie's teacher this morning because Kate told her she'd forgotten to take her pill this morning.  I let the teacher know that we hadn't actually forgotten the meds, but had decided to take her off of it because it seemed to be making her more nutty than usual.  I spoke to Katie to and reminded her we'd talked about this and she remembered.

Half an hour later though the teacher was calling again because Kate was getting really worked up about not having had a pill.  She was convinced she couldn't function for the day without it.  So I went to school to give her one more just so she could get through the day, and then Dad can deal with her over the holiday weekend!

Can't go on like this!

Well, I guess school work is going much better, but we are an absolute mess at home.  She come in the door crying after school and is freaked out and worried about everything under the sun.  

The other night there was a parent's night at school and she was hysterical in tears because she was so worried that I would be disappointed with her for not finishing coloring the sky on her picture today.  Once I assured her that I would not be unhappy with her for anything at school she started in about how worried she is about summer. "Oh, woe is me, summer is just so hot and I just get so hot so fast and I just can't stand it!" type stuff, only in serious distress! Sobbing and wailing like her dog had just died or something!! 

She hasn't slept the night in her own bed for over a week now.  She's scared of everything!  Last night  she said she couldn't stop thinking about the zombie movie her step-brothers "made" her watch that was too scary. Nightmares, noises, you name it, she's worried about it.  She seems to think she has to have actual skin-to-skin contact with me at all times or she panics like a toddler with separation anxiety.  Even when she's sleeping with me, she's whimpering in her sleep! This is not working.

First Twins Game

Melanie's All-District Choir was singing the national Anthem at the Twins game tonight.  Quite an honor! This was the first Twins game for both of my girls, and my first time at the new stadium.  Kate was over-the-moon excited!  We had seats directly behind home plate, but very high up, and she was very nervous about walking up the steep steps to get to them. We both felt a bit dizzy at first being up so high, and looking down so far, so steeply. 

She thoroughly enjoyed the first 4 innings, but then started to get whiny.  She really wanted me to buy her a hat, but they are crazy expensive there and I said no, so she fussed and pouted.  Then she realized that the cameras showing people in the stands didn't seem to be showing people way up at  the top, so she wouldn't be able to be on TV, and that was the last straw.  She declared that this was not as fun as she thought it was going to be and she was sooo disappointed, and the only thing that could stop her crying would be a hat or being on TV.  She was "sooo bored", but absolutely did not want to leave early. We held in through the 7th inning and then left to get ahead of the crowds.  

She griped and groaned all the way to the car and fussed and cried all the way home, talking about how she always has such "bad luck", that her friends give her "bad luck" and nothing she does ever turns out good, and it never will.  She feels her "senses" make it too hard for her to go to school and she just wishes she could be "normal".  

She looks at the other kids and wonders what it's like to be "normal" like them.  My mom was with us and told her she needed to start thinking positively and not be determined to be miserable, but Katie only grunted at her.  SO, frustrating and exhausting to spend a big, special night trying to have a good time together, which she really did for a while, only to have her weep and moan later that it was not good enough.  I know it was partially because she was so over tired, but it's still hard to listen to her agrue that everything is awful and nothing can make it any better.

Week going ok for Katie at school, with a few ups and downs.  She came home devastated one day because she had been unable to go out for extra recess because she'd had one behavior warning last week.  She was convinced this meant she wouldn't be able to go out all week and life was awful.  I talked with the teacher to get an accurate understanding of the requirements for extra recess so we could work on it in future.

Rough start

Well, Kate's first day on meds was not the miracle she had hoped for.  She came home and frumped on the couch and wouldn't answer me about how the day went.  "I don't want to tell you!", was all she would say, getting teary.  I set aside what I was doing to talk with her more directly and find out why she was upset.  "I never wanna talk about it! I don't wanna tell you!"  Well, if that doesn't send up red flags...  If she's getting that upset I really need to know what happened!  "I don't wanna say anything. I'm gonna get grounded and you're gonna talk to me for a long time about it!"  Ok, so she thinks she's in trouble, but I can't imagine her ever doing anything too terrible. 

Eventually, with much drama and tears she eventually told me.  One of the girls in her class is frequently bossy to her, and Katie told her that she acts like she's the queen of the school.  This caused the little girl to cry, which got the teacher's attention, who came over to speak to them, which caused Katie to cry as well, and she was horribly embarrassed.

Poor Kate, so worried about something so innocent.  She was completely overwrought and took a long time to settle down even after I told her I was not mad at her.  I told her it is ok to stand up for herself as long as she does it nicely and I knew she hadn't meant to make the other girl cry.  She did say that she felt like the pill had helped her, "but then it all got ruined".

"Can't You just teach me Mommy?"

Horrible, agonizing morning.  Katie has really latched on to the idea of a medication that can help her concentrate, and has herself convinced that she is worthless without it.  She begged me not to make her go to school again until she had "that pill".  I just held her, heartbroken and sobbing, and felt completely at a loss as to what to say to her.  She says her teacher "doesn't do a thing about it", but when I ask her what she would like her to do to help, she doesn't know.  She wants me to teach her at home instead, because I've already learned all the stuff she's learning, so I can just tell it to her.  This morning she sobbed, "I'm just a piece of paper!" and asked what she meant, she said, "I just lay there and I can't even do anything!"  She was desperate to know when we would be able to see the doctor about the medication, and refused to go to school unless I came with her and asked the teacher if she had sent in her portion of the assessment questionnaire.  I did drive her to school and came in to talk to the teacher and just let her know how bad things were this morning and how vulnerable Kate is feeling so she can do as much as she can to try to boost her confidence.

Today is one of those days when I really hate being a single parent, particularly of a child with special needs. I almost called her dad this morning, when she was screaming that she would never go back to school, to let him try to talk to her, but also just for him to experience some of this tough shit that I have to go through on a daily basis.  It is so exhausting and overwhelming!

Thankfully the doctor's office did call this morning, and we got an appointment this week already on Thursday, so hopefully she will be relieved to hear that.