Misunderstanding SPD Kids

One thing I can say as a parent of a sensational kid is that it's easy to incur the judgement of other parents.  Looking at some of the behaviors of some of our kids, some people just see brats.  In Miller's example, LaTanya's teacher Miss Sorensen "doesn't say so, but she thinks the real problem with the girl is that her parents aren't strict enough and fail to make LaTanya do what she should".

I know for a fact that Katie's father and his wife have thought this of me many times over the years.  Much of the time when Katie is at their house for the weekend she controls a lot of her behavior out of intimidation.  She can hold it together for 48 hours if she isn't pressed too hard, but at home, where she feels safe, all that pent up "stuff" comes pouring out and we have some tough Sunday nights sometimes.  Her dad thinks I baby Katie and let her get away with too much.  I know it can look that way from the outside.  

The problem is that this holds a child with a disability (man, it's still not easy to say that about my own child) to the expectations of a typically developing child, and it's just not the same.  They aren't playing with the same equipment.  "Humans typically use reason to override reflexive behavior- thinking through situations in order to avoid getting to the 'fight/flight' mode unnecessarily.  The problem for (Katie) is that her 'fight/flight' response occurs so fast she doesn't have time to cancel it out with reason.  As a result, she (reacts) to situations that aren't really dangerous". (Miller, Sensational Kids)

When someone calls a typically developing kid a name, that kid can stop and think "Oh that's just Mikey- he's always causing trouble" and brush it off, but, when someone calls Katie a name, she immediately reacts in a way that is beyond what is expected in the situation, because she doesn't have time to apply reason the way we'd expect someone her age to.  So she looks like a brat.  Her behavior seems babyish.  She looks like a spaz, a freak, a weirdo.  She doesn't want to respond this way, it's just the way she's wired!

Reviewing Katie's Sensory Issues

So, as I read through the chapter on the day in the life of a sensory over-responsive kid (LaTanya) in Lucy Jane Miller's excellent book, Sensational Kids, I recalled/learned/summarized these facts/observations about Katie:

Specifically, the type of problem Kate most struggles with is Sensory Modulation Disorder (SMD), which "makes it hard for her to match the intensity of her responses to the intensity of the sensations she feel".  Her system "cannot filter sensations in a way that would allow her to come up with an appropriate response" so when she is "alerted" to a sensation, her brain goes immediately to fight/flight/freeze mode.

Miller writes, "Parents of children with sensory over-responsivity tell me that they feel they're constantly tiptoeing through a minefield- always braced for the next event that will trigger a crisis", and that is precisely my experience.  

Also, "A typically developing child gets a sensory message such as the big bang of a slamming door, figures out the cause, and lets it go.  In children with sensory problems, this ability to let go of past messages sometimes appears to be impaired, leading to a 'backlog' of sensation that accumulates until it overwhelms the  child's coping skills" and "It is believed that the cumulative effect of undisposed sensory messages is what causes children with SPD to eventually fall apart over triggering events that are minor".   What if the reason Kate loses it when another kid calls her a name is a whole morning's worth of sensory alerts she hasn't been able to let go of?  

Miller goes on to describe how "LaTanya" is alerted by the overwhelming fumes of the school bus, the typical noisiness of an elementary school bus, and the inadvertent touching and jostling by other kids that happens on the bus.  Not to mention the sensation of the motion of the bus and its frequent stops and starts, and unexpected, loud traffic noises outside, such as sirens and honking horns.  Little wonder if she prefers to sit in the front seat to minimize some of these, and have visual cues to warn her of upcoming sensations. But sadly, in the example, the other kids won't always let her sit where she's most comfortable, and she is often reduced to tears.  "If LaTanya needed a wheelchair or had another physical limitation that made it hard for her to function on the bus, accommodations like an assigned seat would have been made for her long ago. However, because her handicap is invisible, accommodations are made on a spot basis and only after she falls apart, which just confirms everyone's opinion that this is a kid with big problems."  (my emphasis)

What if Katie is experiencing these same things, and arriving at school already so overstimulated that her system can't calm down enough to focus on the tasks at hand?  How much of what looks like ADHD behavior is actually her inability to take anything more in or process the information in the right part of the brain because she is so consumed with sensory overload?

Self-Regulation Stragtegies for Children Autism, ADHD, and Sensory Disorders

When I came across registration information for the above titled seminar, I knew immediately that I had to attend!  This would be a whole day of discussion with a true expert and could help me personally as well as with info for my thesis paper.

It was scheduled for mid-July, so in early July I got out a bunch of my SPD related books and started rereading them so I would have all the info fresh in my mind.  As I did so I began to seriously question myself as a mother, wondering if I had discounted sensory issues Katie might still be experiencing that just weren't as obvious as they used to be.  

In her book, Sensational Kids: Hope and Help for Children with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), leading researcher Lucy Jane Miller describes a day in the life of a sensory over-responsive child.  As I read through this, I found myself repeatedly thinking, "My god, what if Katie is experiencing that too, and just doesn't know how to say so?"  When she was very young it was easy to see when Kate's senses were overloaded because she over-reacted violently, screaming and panicking.  What if, now that she's older, she's still being triggered by tons of things in the environment, but internalizes it instead of acting out the way she used to?  I had just kind of assumed that a lot of these things weren't a problem for her anymore, but what if they were?  What if these were the underlying roots of her struggles at school?  I felt like an idiot for having dismissed it all, and began looking at her in a whole new light as I reread my books and attended the conference.

The conference was very good, by the way.  Sponsored by Pesi, it featured Teresa Garland, MOT, OTR speaking to and with us about the techniques laid out in her new book, Self-Regulation Interventions and Strategies: Keeping the Body, Mind & Emotions on Task in Children with Autism, ADHD or Sensory Disorders.  This is an excellent resource for parents and others with lots of simple practical ideas.

Power Struggle Stand-Off

We are in the middle of being held hostage by my daughter's unreasonable behavior, and I HATE it!

Katie has had very little homework sent home so far this year, so we haven't had much chance to get into a regular routine for doing it.  Recently she has started to have occasional worksheets, but has been giving me a lot of hassle when it comes to actually sitting down and doing them.  We talked about this with her therapist last week and Kate said she was embarrassed and ashamed of herself to have me call her on it and promised to do better, understanding that she needs to get her work out of the way first thing before doing other activities at night.

But today she came home and immediately got resistant when I asked if she has homework.  I don't mind giving them a little bit of time to unwind when they first get home from school, so I told her she could watch one episode of one of her shows, but then it was time for work.  She has watched the show, but now refuses to take out the homework.  Threw herself on the floor, rolling around saying, "I won't, I won't" and getting herself all worked up.  

Then she tried to claim that Ms Katie had told her whenever she was feeling upset she could just play a game with me to help her calm down.  I told her that wasn't meant for this type of situation, but she has been laying on the floor refusing to work until I play a game.  I said I'd be happy to play a game when the homework is done, but not before.  We are at a stalemate, as she says she is happy to lay there on the floor until I play a game, and I clearly am not going to give in and play any games until the homework is done, if then.  

Just now she ramped up the tantrum even more, screaming so she can't even hear the instructions I'm trying to give her.  So I yelled once, to get her attention and tell her to listen to what I'm saying, but now she is screaming and carrying on that she's scared of me because I yelled.  I am at my wit's and and want to pull my hair out, or thrash her within an inch of her life, so I said she needed to go to her room and be away from me right now.  She's currently in the bedroom screaming about how much I hate her and no one cares about her.  I hate this kind of situation when there is nothing I can do, just feeling hostage to my own child.

Impulsive Aggression

Katie came running to me off the bus yesterday crying so hard I almost couldn't understand her.  "I just didn't think!  I don't know what's happening to me!  I didn't control myself!", was what I could make out.  I hugged her and told her it would be ok and we'd talk about it when we got home.  

I sat her down, told her I wouldn't be angry and asked her to start from the beginning and tell me what happened.  Apparently there was a video the class would be able to watch if everyone was finished with their work in time.  The boy next to her was bothering/distracting Katie to the point that she finally grabbed his hand and bent his wrist back, scraping her nails across the back of it.  

She was SO upset with herself! She couldn't believe she had done it, but admitted it wasn't really an accident, she just got so frustrated!  She said she didn't know what was happening to her and she didn't think she deserved anything good.  She said the boy didn't even tell on her, she told on herself.  The teacher said he would have to write it up and she was terrified of what that would mean.  "I've never been written up for anything in my life!!", she wailed.  

Katie has never physically acted out in anger or frustration with anyone like this before, so I decided to talk to her doctor and see what she thought about it.  As it happened we were able to get in to see the pediatrician right away today and decided to up the dose of her Concerta to help with the frustration tolerance, distraction and impulsivity as the old dose doesn't seem to be cutting it this year.  We had a short conference with her teacher this afternoon too where I was able to explain her SPD and anxiety issues and he seems very willing to work on whatever she needs.

Starting Therapy

Just before the end of the school year last spring I got Katie started seeing a child therapist at Nystrom & Associates right here near us.  Her therapist's name also happens to be Katie (actually part of what helped me decide to choose her!), so she is known as Miss Katie in our house.  At first it was hard to explain exactly what is was I was bringing Kate there to work on.  She doesn't have the sort of meltdowns we used to have so frequently anymore.  But with all that has been going on, all the change and restrictions with living with Grandma, I thought it would be good for Katie to have someone to process it all with.  We also saw her pediatrician and got her Prozac dosage raised to 20 mg/daily since everything in our world seemed so up in the air and unsettled and there have been a lot of adjustments to go through.  

Katie likes visiting Miss Katie, especially because she is sometimes allowed to draw on her large windows with special markers! (Kate is quite the little artist!!)  At first Katie was doing a lot of complaining about things that go on at her dad's house and why she did not like going up there for his weekends.  That was hard for me to hear because there is really nothing I can do about any of that.  A change in Rob's work schedule at the beginning of the summer made some changes that I think have made things better for her now, and Rob and Mary were good enough to come down and meet with Miss Katie and Kate to talk about some of her concerns, so at least she got to feel like she was heard.

We're working on Katie taking control of her reactions when she has negative feelings, learning how to calm her body down and not over react.  She has admitted that she doesn't have the fits of temper at Rob's house that she does at mine occasionally, so we are trying to explore why that is and what we can do about it.  (My personal opinion is that she is too intimidated by Rob and Mary to misbehave around them and holds herself together out of pure fear.)  I do admit that my consistency in following through with discipline hasn't been as strong as it should be. She definitely has a knack for wearing me down, so it is a learning experience for us both.

FIRE!

The fire alarm went off in our building today.  Thankfully it wasn't so loud and alarming as some I've heard, so the sound itself didn't bother Katie.  I didn't smell any smoke or feel any heat, but as it continued for more than just a couple minutes (as it might if they were testing the system or something) I decided we should be better safe than sorry and we left the building.  That's when Katie's alarm went off.  The alarm was much louder in the hallway, and the fact that we were actually leaving our home and getting out of the building was very unsettling to her.   When we got outside there didn't seem to be anything visibly wrong.  Very few other people had come out.  I was going to call the rental office and see if they could tell us if it was a drill or something, but quickly realized I'd forgotten my phone inside.  We instead drove over to the office and went in to inquire.  

The lady there said someone had seen one of the electrical boxes smoking and called the fire department.  Just then a maintenance man comes running in looking for a key and says, "They've got a fire over there! Have you called the fire department?"  So clearly this was no drill or test, there was an actual fire and we could not return home.  When Katie heard this she really started to panic.  The fact that we were out safely wasn't enough, she was terrified that our apartment would burn up with all of our things in it and she was very upset.  I held her and tried to reassure her that everything was going to be ok.  It had to be a fairly small fire and they were already on top of it, so I was pretty sure we wouldn't suffer any damage.  There was no smoke to be seen or anything.  But the idea that it was there at all, in our building was just too much for her.

We decided to go to her favorite new library to wait it out and distract her.  I really wished I'd grabbed by phone to let my mom know what was going on and to find out when it was safe to come back.  But I checked an hour later and it had been given the all clear, so we returned to an undamaged apartment.

Bitter Disappointment

Katie's class is taking a field trip to Como zoo on the last day of school and she begged me to sign up to be a chaperone.  She was so psyched to have me coming with her class and couldn't wait to show me to her friends. But today Melanie brought home a paper inviting me to the 5th Grade Graduation at school on the same date and time.  Obviously the graduation is a big deal for Mel, so I will definitely be there, and that means no zoo.  Just broke the news to Katie and she absolutely lost it.  Threw herself on the floor, writhing in agony/hysteria.  "NO! NO! This can't be happening! This can't be happening to me! I'm gonna die! I just wanna die!!" and such.  Poor Melanie burst into tears and fled to her room to get away from Katie's screaming.  I left Kate rolling on the floor and went to comfort Melanie.  She was hurt that Katie always seems to have things her way and doesn't care about anything that's important to Melanie.   Hurt that there should even be any question of my not attending her graduation.  She definitely gets the short end of the stick a lot of the time when we have to cater to Kate's needs and she is such a trooper for dealing with it as well as she does.  I let her know there was no way I'd miss her graduation and that I am very proud of her.

Can't go on like this!

Well, I guess school work is going much better, but we are an absolute mess at home.  She come in the door crying after school and is freaked out and worried about everything under the sun.  

The other night there was a parent's night at school and she was hysterical in tears because she was so worried that I would be disappointed with her for not finishing coloring the sky on her picture today.  Once I assured her that I would not be unhappy with her for anything at school she started in about how worried she is about summer. "Oh, woe is me, summer is just so hot and I just get so hot so fast and I just can't stand it!" type stuff, only in serious distress! Sobbing and wailing like her dog had just died or something!! 

She hasn't slept the night in her own bed for over a week now.  She's scared of everything!  Last night  she said she couldn't stop thinking about the zombie movie her step-brothers "made" her watch that was too scary. Nightmares, noises, you name it, she's worried about it.  She seems to think she has to have actual skin-to-skin contact with me at all times or she panics like a toddler with separation anxiety.  Even when she's sleeping with me, she's whimpering in her sleep! This is not working.

Terror in the night

Poor Katelyn had the very worst scare of her life (and she has lots of scares!) in the wee hours of this morning.  I heard her go to the bathroom and go back into her room.  Then there was a strangled sort of scream and she started screeching for me.  I went in to see what was wrong and she said, "The window! There's words on the window!."  Sure enough, through the glow of the nighttime light you could clearly read, "U will die!" written on the window with someone's finger sometime when the window had been foggy. When she came back in her room it was directly in her eye line, and she can read now, so she understood immediately!  She was absolutely out of her mind terrified, wouldn't even walk past the window to go into my room to sleep. I have to admit, it was awfully creepy in the middle of the night, even though I knew it had to have been Melanie and not any sort of ghoul.

She came in my bed, but was so shook up she couldn't settle down and go back to sleep, just tossed and turned and whimpered.  About 2 hours later she screams again, certain she saw something moving in my open closet. I convince her there's nothing, but she is back on high alert again. Maybe half an hours later an absolutely blood curdling scream as she sat bolt upright in the bed, grabbing for me.  "Turn on the light! Turn on the light!"  then  "I heard a voice!! There was a really deep voice talking to me!!"

She was absolutely, terrified and convinced she'd heard something and I just didn't believe her.  She sat wide-eyed and trembling, looking all around, and couldn't even stand to lay down again, being in total fight-or-flight mode and feeling too vulnerable if she lay down.  

When she finally could lay down again she was stiff and trembling, and plastered herself to me.  She insisted we keep the light on and was afraid to try to go back to sleep in case she had more bad thoughts.  To take her mind off it, I tried to get her to think about the Twins game we're going to tonight, her first. Talked her through visualizing walking in the gates and finding our seats, seeing all the people and smelling the foods.  That finally helped, she got on a roll talking about it, and then kept talking. I let her keep talking to keep her mind occupied and she finally fell asleep around 6 am.  I was going to let her sleep in and go to school late if she stayed asleep, but she popped up about 7:30 and was eager to get ready for the day.  Hopefully her meds will carry her through most of the day before she collapses of exhaustion.  Don't know what to expect for the game tonight.

Awfully sick, awfully unhappy girl.  Kate's got a rotten cold (or is it allergies?) and is feeling miserable today.  We were supposed to go to a movie this afternoon, but she is so weepy and moany-groany that we are gonna have to wait for another day, which of course is causing even more tears.

Week going ok for Katie at school, with a few ups and downs.  She came home devastated one day because she had been unable to go out for extra recess because she'd had one behavior warning last week.  She was convinced this meant she wouldn't be able to go out all week and life was awful.  I talked with the teacher to get an accurate understanding of the requirements for extra recess so we could work on it in future.

Rough start

Well, Kate's first day on meds was not the miracle she had hoped for.  She came home and frumped on the couch and wouldn't answer me about how the day went.  "I don't want to tell you!", was all she would say, getting teary.  I set aside what I was doing to talk with her more directly and find out why she was upset.  "I never wanna talk about it! I don't wanna tell you!"  Well, if that doesn't send up red flags...  If she's getting that upset I really need to know what happened!  "I don't wanna say anything. I'm gonna get grounded and you're gonna talk to me for a long time about it!"  Ok, so she thinks she's in trouble, but I can't imagine her ever doing anything too terrible. 

Eventually, with much drama and tears she eventually told me.  One of the girls in her class is frequently bossy to her, and Katie told her that she acts like she's the queen of the school.  This caused the little girl to cry, which got the teacher's attention, who came over to speak to them, which caused Katie to cry as well, and she was horribly embarrassed.

Poor Kate, so worried about something so innocent.  She was completely overwrought and took a long time to settle down even after I told her I was not mad at her.  I told her it is ok to stand up for herself as long as she does it nicely and I knew she hadn't meant to make the other girl cry.  She did say that she felt like the pill had helped her, "but then it all got ruined".

"Can't You just teach me Mommy?"

Horrible, agonizing morning.  Katie has really latched on to the idea of a medication that can help her concentrate, and has herself convinced that she is worthless without it.  She begged me not to make her go to school again until she had "that pill".  I just held her, heartbroken and sobbing, and felt completely at a loss as to what to say to her.  She says her teacher "doesn't do a thing about it", but when I ask her what she would like her to do to help, she doesn't know.  She wants me to teach her at home instead, because I've already learned all the stuff she's learning, so I can just tell it to her.  This morning she sobbed, "I'm just a piece of paper!" and asked what she meant, she said, "I just lay there and I can't even do anything!"  She was desperate to know when we would be able to see the doctor about the medication, and refused to go to school unless I came with her and asked the teacher if she had sent in her portion of the assessment questionnaire.  I did drive her to school and came in to talk to the teacher and just let her know how bad things were this morning and how vulnerable Kate is feeling so she can do as much as she can to try to boost her confidence.

Today is one of those days when I really hate being a single parent, particularly of a child with special needs. I almost called her dad this morning, when she was screaming that she would never go back to school, to let him try to talk to her, but also just for him to experience some of this tough shit that I have to go through on a daily basis.  It is so exhausting and overwhelming!

Thankfully the doctor's office did call this morning, and we got an appointment this week already on Thursday, so hopefully she will be relieved to hear that.

"I'm never going back to school again!"

Very, very unhappy little girl after school today!  Broke my heart, as a mother, to see her so agonized.  Katie is convinced that she is stupid, that she is completely hopeless, because she cannot concentrate in school and get things done like the other kids in her class.  Had a whole long tearful tirade about how school is awful and no one there likes her and even the girls who are supposed to be her friends aren't nice to her and her teacher hates her and is always mad at her and her big sister hates her too and won't wave to her in the lunchroom and the neighbor girl ignores her too, and so on and so on.  Absolutely shattered and sobbing.

I'm so angry with myself for not getting on top of this sooner, before she really started to internalize it.  I thought I had to find the best place to get comprehensive care, but realize now that it can't wait any longer.  I talked to her about some people's brains having a harder time focusing and remembering, and that there is some medication we might be able to try to help her be less distracted.  At first she thought that was hopeless as well, but then she came out of bed at 10:40 last night to tell me she thought maybe she could try it.  Poor thing, laying awake that late worrying about it!  I decided to just start with her regular pediatrician for now and get her on some meds as soon as possible, and worry about more thorough assessment later when I find the "right" place.

Re-Evaluating

Took Katie back to the Katie Lady yesterday to be re-evaluated to be covered for some more OT.  Her first round of OT was summer of 2010 and discharged when she started Kindergarten.  She has done really well for about a year, but now in the last couple months we've been having a lot more of the old-style meltdowns again, so I wanted to see if more OT could help at all.  The problem is that since SPD isn't quite considered a medical condition, OT has to be submitted/billed as fine or gross motor delay, rather than the sensory problems.  Yesterday Katie performed a lot better on the gross motor tests than Katie Lady had expected (guess she's made a lot of progress in the meantime!), so she is not sure if her evaluation will be considered enough to qualify for the services.  Now we wait and hope.

I think it's also time for me to look for a psychologist for her to see as well.  Anyone have any recommendations of someone familiar with SPD?  It's so hard to know just which symptoms/behaviors are specifically caused by sensory issues and which are issues of the control that she feels she needs because of the instability of her experience of the world because of the sensory issues.  Katie Lady suggested that maybe some of the behaviors are now learned responses that began when she had no better tools of expression, and continue now, even though they are out of proportion, because she hasn't learned alternative ways to express herself.  So some sort of behavioral therapy might be the thing to give her skills to regulate her emotions.

Whoa! Flashback

Had an episode this afternoon that felt like we were right back to where we were two years ago.  Katie came home from school and immediately demanded that I put on a particular DVD.  The show I was watching was not quite over, so I told her it would be her turn in 10 minutes.  She was not happy with that answer and began fussing and yelling at me, so she was escorted to her room (not very gently I'm afraid, I admit I got mad in a hurry).  She continued to scream and carry on while I watched the remainder of my show.  I wanted to just leave her to work it out and settle herself down, but I could hear things crashing and being thrown, so I went in to try to talk to her and keep her from doing any actual damage. 

I went in and sat down without saying anything to her.  She glowered at me and made a show of tearing up a piece of paper and throwing the tiny bits as far as she could, then picked up some toys and started throwing them around.  OT taught us that deep pressure touch and joint compressions can help to calm her body down and reset the switch, so to speak, on her level of arousal.  I told Katie it was not ok to throw things in her room, that she needed to control her body, and that I would help her if she was unable to do it on her own.  When she chose to continue throwing things and yelling at me, I took her into my lap and held her in sort of a bear hug to provide some of that calming pressure. 

She cried and threatened to do every naughty thing she could think of, "I am never going to settle down!"  "I am going to break all my crayons in little pieces all over the room!"  "I am never brushing my teeth again!" etc, etc. and I just held her silently.  I told her I would talk to her when she was under control, and then just waited, all the time wondering if I was doing the right thing.

This hug was meant to provide that deep pressure and joint compression, but I know there have also been times and places when it can be argued that a restraining hold on a child can be abusive.  That certainly wasn't my intention, I just really wanted to calm her overwrought system. There are autism spectrum kids who are rolled up in mats, or pressed with large pillows as part of their OT, and Temple Grandin's squeeze machine was created for this very purpose, so I thought this should be ok.

I don't even remember how she eventually wound down.  I tried to get her to try some deep breathing with me, but it only made her mad and she says she can't do it when I'm trying to show her how, that I should leave the room and let her do it by herself.  The storm was calmed enough by then that I agreed to do that.  The whole thing had lasted half an hour. 

I left the room exhausted and discouraged that we were back to having those kind of melt downs again.  I had thought we were doing better.  Disappointed with the way I'd handled the whole thing, feeling like I should be able to manage this better by now, that I should have been able to calm it down faster. I still have so much to learn.

Fear Where Others Find Fun

Picture an average kindergartener going to a cousin's birthday party.  She looks forward to it with great anticipation, but problems arise where there is supposed to be fun.  The party is at Pump-It-Up, an indoor inflatable play place, and for extra fun, it's a glow-in-the-dark party, so the lights are off and instead there are star-like sparkles and disco lights flashing.  It looks really cool and the pumpin' music completes the scene.  While the cousin and his friends tumble down the inflatable slide and bounce houses, Katelyn is paralyzed with fear.  She cries and clings to me, insisting on being held, and begging to go home.


Katie has always had a serious fear of the dark.  Having difficulty with vestibular input, she can't sense where her body is in relation to her surroundings, so she usually relies on her sight to clue her in, but can't in the dark.  She finds the flashing lights disorienting  The music everyone else finds fun feels like an assault to her sensitive ears, as do the screams and squeals of fun from all the other kids.  While Katie loves the proprioceptive input of bouncing and jumping, she only feels safe doing it on her own terms, with no one else around to bump into her or wiggle the inflatable unpredictably.  At a party, though, she can't get the bounce house all to herself, so she just sits in the corner of it and screams if anyone else gets too boisterous.  Every movement feels to her like being tossed on a stormy sea.  She is in perpetual fight-or-flight mode as her body tells her she is in great danger.

Perfectionism

There are some of Katie's struggles that  I find hard to connect to the SPD, and this is one of them.  One of the reasons I still wonder if I shouldn't have her in for further evaluation somewhere.  So, other professionals reading this, let me know what you think.

Katelyn sometimes holds herself to a very high standard of perfection on certain tasks, and then completely loses it if/when she makes a mistake.  Take valentines, for instance.  Katie was so excited to pick out cards for her first valentine's exchange, and the day the class list came home she sat down immediately to begin writing in the names.  Katie actually has quite good handwriting for kindergarten, and for a child with SPD, whose fine motor skills are often poor.  But, inevitably, she would get the first few letters too big and not have room for a last letter, or decided a certain letter didn't look the way it should, and her world was fit to end right then and there.  Wailing and gnashing of teeth ensued.  She'd throw down the pen and scatter the cards, crying that it was "all ruined now" and she'd "never do this right, never!".  Thank goodness we had more cards than we needed, because she could not be convinced that any of the mistakes were salvageable with a little correction, but had to start over on them completely after a good 30+ minute cooling off period.

Same sort of reaction last week when she drew pictures for her dad, step-mom and step-brothers to take to them when they went for the weekend.  She made one for each, though they were not as elaborate as some of her usual drawings, and sure enough on the last one there was a spelling mishap!  Tears, tearing and crumpling of the offending paper ensued before she could be calmed and induced to try again, but then she'd lost the marker she'd been using, and none of the other colors would do, as they would not match, so she melted into a puddle again!  Good old Melanie finally found the original color, and all was sorted in the end for delivery the next morning.  But, about half an hour into our drive up north there is an ear piercing screech from the back seat, the cause of which cannot be immediately deciphered through all the crying, but turns out to be that she has somehow forgotten one of the pictures at home and it is an inconsolable loss.  We remedy the situation with a quick stop at the nearest store for paper and markers, and the universe is in balance again, after a few more stifled sobs.

I don't know why she is so hard on herself this way sometimes, but it is the most heartbreaking thing you'd ever want to see.  The level of anxiety she lives with on a daily basis is just so much higher than most kids her age, and I don't know how to help her.

Other Auditory Symptoms

• Runs away, cries, and/or covers ears with loud or unexpected sounds.
• May dislike going to movie theaters, parades, concerts, etc.

Not 15 minutes ago Kate deafened me with an ear piercing scream when one of their little neighborhood friends knocked on the door.  That is one specific unexpected sound that gets her every time. (Highly irritating in the spring and summer when kids are constantly coming around!).

Katie likes going to the movies now, but the first time I tried to take her to one (Kung Fu Panda) was an utter failure.  The loud theater volume and giant screen were too much for her about half way through, but Melly was enjoying it, so I had to walk Kate around the empty theater hallways for a good 45 minutes to let Mel see the end, peeking in on her every few minutes to make sure she was ok all alone in there.  Another of the trials of single parenting!

We've actually been to two movies in the last month (a record for us!) and though Kate is excited to go, she does complain that they are too loud at first and petered out on them about half way through.  She wanted to leave Rango about midway through, and then insisted on snuggling on my lap when I said we couldn't leave.  She buried her head in my chest and fell asleep.  I chalked that up to her having been up too late the night before.  But then last weekend we went to HOP, and half way through she got really restless again.  She had insisted on bringing her "blankie" because theater temps are famously erratic, but she ended up using it to cover her head and trying to snuggle up on my lap again.  Just realizing as I write this that maybe this is a protective response to being overstimulated by the theater experience, since she has more than enough attention span to watch full length movies at home. Hmmm....