Katie's tantrums were so severe that I felt like we were walking around on egg shells all the time trying not to set her off.. While we lived with my mom she couldn't stand to listen to Katie carry on and on, so she often insisted we appease Kate one way or another just to get her to settle down and shut up. This, of course, goes against the #1 rule of parenting: consistency. We moved into our own apartment in March 2008, and I thought I would finally be able to teach and use time-outs consistently, but Katie did not embrace this concept.
My first intention was that Katie take her time-out in her bedroom. But this only seems to fuel the fire. She had too much separation anxiety to let me out of her sight, and refused to stay in her room no matter how many times I bring her back. And this was new to her, so maybe I need to start smaller.
So I select a chair in the dining room, where she can see me. Yes, I'll have to hear it, but I figure I can handle that until she gets the hang of it and can be moved into her room. No such luck. She firmly refuses to stay in the chair even for a few seconds. Even if I am very calm and casual about it, suggesting she just "take a little break" before things have even escalated. The whole idea of being deprived of my attention during that time is completely defeated by my repeatedly having to pick her up and place her back on the chair. So, back to the bedroom it is.
When Melanie went through a few weeks of struggles at bedtime my husband installed a hook on the outside of her bedroom door so we could lock it to keep her from coming out. (This should only be done if someone can stay right there to monitor the situation at all times.) But now we lived in an apartment and it might be misunderstood if we installed such a lock here. So I had to stand outside and hold the door shut instead, playing tug of war silently so she would think it was simply locked.
Excerpt from journal entry of Aug 2008: " Last night was awful when Rob brought the girls back home. Katie hadn't had a nap, of course, and was hungry. For the life of me I can't even remember what started the trouble, but she threw a huge fit. So I took her to her room, but she wouldn't stay in it, so I had to shut the door and hold it for 40 minutes while she raged. It was AWFUL! I sat outside the door crying, because she sounded so sad and hurting, but I couldn't back down and let her win the battle, even though all I wanted to do was hold her. At one point I weakened and opened the door and offered to hold her to help her calm down, but she refused and I had to shut the door again and keep waiting it out. I knew she was so tired and conflicted after being at Rob's for the weekend, and she just kept screaming 'I want you! Mommy I want you!' and 'I can't breathe! I can't stop'!' So I finally gave in even before she settled down because it was breaking my heart. At that point it didn't feel like she was being willful anymore, it just seemed like chaos. She let me hold her for a little while then, and I rocked her and took deep breaths for her to hear, though she refused to do them with me."
I remember asking a professor later that week if he though it was possible that she really couldn't calm herself down, or if she just knew it would get my sympathy. He smiled as he told me I was being played. I still wasn't so sure.
(Of course, now I know that it was and is possible that she couldn't control her reactions. The professor meant well, and in most circumstances would probably be right, but this is just one example of how SPD is not commonly known in psychology/therapy circles yet!)
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