Oh the Tantrums!

Katie's tantrums were so severe that I felt like we were walking around on egg shells all the time trying not to set her off..  While we lived with my mom she couldn't stand to listen to Katie carry on and on, so she often insisted we appease Kate one way or another just to get her to settle down and shut up.  This, of course, goes against the #1 rule of parenting: consistency.  We moved into our own apartment in March 2008, and I thought I would finally be able to teach and use time-outs consistently, but Katie did not embrace this concept.

My first intention was that Katie take her time-out in her bedroom.  But this only seems to fuel the fire.  She had too much separation anxiety to let me out of her sight, and refused to stay in her room no matter how many times I bring her back.  And this was new to her, so maybe I need to start smaller.

So I select a chair in the dining room, where she can see me.  Yes, I'll have to hear it, but I figure I can handle that until she gets the hang of it and can be moved into her room.  No such luck.  She firmly refuses to stay in the chair even for a few seconds.  Even if I am very calm and casual about it, suggesting she just "take a little break" before things have even escalated.  The whole idea of being deprived of my attention during that time is completely defeated by my repeatedly having to pick her up and place her back on the chair.  So, back to the bedroom it is.

When Melanie went through a few weeks of struggles at bedtime my husband installed a hook on the outside of her bedroom door so we could lock it to keep her from coming out. (This should only be done if someone can stay right there to monitor the situation at all times.)  But now we lived in an apartment and it might be misunderstood if we installed such a lock here.  So I had to stand outside and hold the door shut instead, playing tug of war silently so she would think it was simply locked.

Excerpt from journal entry of Aug 2008: " Last night was awful when Rob brought the girls back home.  Katie hadn't had a nap, of course, and was hungry.  For the life of me I can't even remember what started the trouble, but she threw a huge fit.  So I took her to her room, but she wouldn't stay in it, so I had to shut the door and hold it for 40 minutes while she raged. It was AWFUL!  I sat outside the door crying, because she sounded so sad and hurting, but I couldn't back down and let her win the battle, even though all I wanted to do was hold her.  At one point I weakened and opened the door and offered to hold her to help her calm down, but she refused and I had to shut the door again and keep waiting it out.  I knew she was so tired and conflicted after being at Rob's for the weekend, and she just kept screaming 'I want you! Mommy I want you!' and 'I can't breathe! I can't stop'!'  So I finally gave in even before she settled down because it was breaking my heart.  At that point it didn't feel like she was being willful anymore, it just seemed like chaos.  She let me hold her for a little while then, and I rocked her and took deep breaths for her to hear, though she refused to do them with me."

I remember asking a professor later that week if he though it was possible that she really couldn't calm herself down, or if she just knew it would get my sympathy.  He smiled as he told me I was being played.  I still wasn't so sure.
(Of course, now I know that it was and is possible that she couldn't control her reactions.  The professor meant well, and in most circumstances would probably be right, but this is just one example of how SPD is not commonly known in psychology/therapy circles yet!)

Child psych 101

I'm trained in, and a firm believer in, a parenting program call Parenting With Love & Logic.  Three keys parts of its philosophy are:
1) Insisting that children own their own problems and don't make them a problem for anyone else.  Therefore, my child has the right to be upset about something, that's ok, it's her problem; but if I then have to listen to her crying and screaming, she's creating a problem for me, which is not ok.
2) I try not to give orders I can't enforce, because if/when the child refuses, my words mean nothing and I lose all credibility.
3) Tantrums, and many other misbehaviors, are usually a bid for attention, or a means of manipulation, which if even occasionally successful, will be used again, and again, and again, and again.
This is very sound theory and, when applied appropriately, should work with most kids.

So, I don't tell my child not to have a fit (because I can't control that, and it will certainly backfire), I tell her where she needs to be if she chooses to have the fit, namely away from me, where it won't hassle my ears and will not be awarded attention.  In her room.

Love & Logic suggests asking the child if she will need the door open or closed, theorizing that the child who feels in control of this option will be less likely to resist it.  If the child shows by his behavior that he cannot handle having the door open, we show that we read his signs by closing it for him.  Some kids will actually leave the door alone.  Some will test the parent by peeking out, but give up when they see the parent patiently waiting outside.  The whole idea is for the child to eventually learn "If I choose unacceptable behavior, I will have to spend time alone in my room. That's not very much fun and I may miss out on something".  Later, when warned, the child will decide to change their behavior instead,  or if time-out is necessary, they have time to calm down before rejoining the family.  As long as parents make sure the behavior doesn't pays off for the child, he'll soon give it up as useless.

But what if she doesn't?  What if you do everything 'right' and it only makes it worse?  'The child is stubborn, don't give in, be consistent.'  Ok, but where do you draw the line?

Finally, a clue!

I started graduate school in Spring 2008 in a Master's program for Clinical Counseling, working toward licensure as a Marriage and Family Therapist.

In January 2009 I was taking a course on child development in which we had a guest speaker come and talk to us about something called Sensory Processing Disorder.  She was an occupational therapist, and worked with children struggling with these issues.  As I listened to her presentation I became very excited.  This sounded like Katie!  Could this be the answer I'd been looking for?  I had to know more.

I purchased and read The Out-Of-Sync Child by Carol Kranowitz (highly recommended!) and came to realize that both of my girls had sensory issues, though Melanie's were much more mild, and I myself had these issues as well, and had never known it.  I had always been "picky" about certain things, but had never understood there could be a reason.

Consulting a professional

Ok, so I realize I was getting way too detailed about all the early development stuff.  The idea was to point out the early indicators of her sensory issues, but I think it was getting awfully boring.  So, let's get to the point, right?

Katie's 3rd birthday, overwhelmed.

So the point was, Katie became a real little handful, and I was at a loss to know what to do about it.  I felt like a fool, because this is supposed to be my field, my area of knowledge, and I was failing miserably.  I took Katie to a child psychologist the week after her 3rd birthday, and we saw her for a few months, but she couldn't pinpoint any particular diagnosis that fit either. She mentioned a referral for an occupational therapy assessment, but I guess I sort of brushed that off, as I didn't really understand what that had to do with anything.

Sometimes I wondered if this problem was all in my head.  Maybe this was just Kate's personality.  Maybe I was just dropping the ball as a single parent.  Rob never seemed to have these sort of issues with her behavior. Maybe I was just too easy on her and needed to get tough.  Maybe I was just lazy.  Maybe being in this profession I was seeing "symptoms" were there really were none.  Maybe.  But I just didn't think so.  After all, I wasn't really parenting that much differently than I had with Melanie.  Sure they're different kids, but the same principles should still apply.  Yes, toddlers are difficult, sure they have tantrums, but something about this just seemed over the top.  She was so intense, so over reactive, and she couldn't seem to get over things like a 'normal' kid would.

At the time Kate was having terrible separation anxiety when it was time to go to her father's house for his weekends. Rob had moved in with his girlfriend Mary about a year after leaving our home, and she has two sons of her own.  I'd met Mary and she seemed to really care for the girls, and her sons were both very sweet to them.  But each week Katie would cry all through the drive up there, and then clung to me screaming when I tried to hand her to Rob.  I eventually insisted on him getting her out of the car seat himself so she couldn't get a hold of me.  I cried every time as I drove away.  It was torture!

One and a Half

Uneasy walking on lumpy spring grass

At 18 mo. I noted that Katie was no longer using some of the words I thought I had heard her saying before.  She only had about a dozen words she used regularly.  She did finally learn and use 5 of the baby signs, but only when prompted.  As the weather warmed I noticed that she was afraid to walk in the soft sand at the park and in lumpy grass, she would just freeze and scream for help. 

Not unlike other toddlers, she did not handle the word "no" well, she became "pissed off" at the drop of a hat and took over 20+ minutes to be settled down.  She would scream herself silly, thrash around and throw things.  I knew all the right things parents are supposed to do with toddlers, limit setting, distraction, time outs, and above all consistency. I wanted to be able to teach time outs for unacceptable behavior, but the only safe place to enforce them was in her crib, and I didn't want her bed associated with punishment. So then what?  My precious, perfect Melanie had never done anything like this.  What on earth was going on?

Split personality

In one journal entry I wrote that Katie sometimes seemed like she had a split personality, being adorable one moment and seemingly possessed by demons the next.  Christmas 2006 was one clear example of this.  Katie was so excited!  She couldn't know what to expect, but she could tell it was exciting.  She stood in the center of the living room and spun around and around in circles, over and over and over.  But within minutes of the family arriving she did a complete 180 and was a major grump for the rest of the day.  I never did get a decent picture of her without the scowl.  (see photo)

First Steps

Katie has loved Sesame Street characters since she developed a fascination with them on a mobile at the day care center.  Big Bird seemed to be her favorite.  For her first birthday I got her a little red furry Elmo armchair that jiggled and giggled when she sat in it.  Though she adored Elmo, she seemed to prefer to stand up to it rather than sit in it and make it wiggle.

Katelyn was frustrated with her limited mobility for a long time before she finally started walking at 15 mo.  She learned to sign "Help", but refused to do any of the others.  She had a very short anger fuse and screamed for help at the slightest frustration.

Around One Year

Katie loved playing in the water that first summer!  While Melly was leery of any splashing, Katie seemed not to notice getting water in her face, even putting her face in deliberately.  She loved music too, and would get very angry at her musical toys if they did not play.

Oh that temper!  She developed an earsplitting screech that she used constantly to express her displeasure with everything!  In the journal I describe her as stubborn and willful.  She was twisting and fighting with me when I tried to dress or change her.  She began having a hard time going back to sleep after waking in the night, refusing to lay down and self soothe.  Grandma didn't help matters when she snuck down to rock-a-bye her in the middle of the night, inadvertently teaching her to expect to get her way at any hour.

Still loving the swing, she learned to twist herself up (like on a tire swing) and then let go, spinning around and around.  She did the same thing on the floor too, sitting on her bottom and turning herself around and around with her feet.  Katie and Melanie were both devoted pacifier suckers, and around this time Katie started insisting on having one to hold onto as well as the one she sucked.  I had tried to teach Katie the same baby signs Melanie had used so well, but she had only ever used "more" and "all done", and about this time she refused to use even those anymore.

That fall I gave up my job at the day care since it was too far away for us living in the Cities and I needed something closer to full time.  I started working 30 hrs a week and Katie went to a home day care, which she enjoyed, but was always in a hurry to leave when I came to get her and couldn't stand for me to visit with the provider for even a few minutes!

Swinging & Spinning ! Hooray! - June/July 2006

Katelyn absolutely LOVED her Johnny-Jump-Up swing!  (You know, one of those suspended seat swings you hang from a doorway.)  She could not seem to get enough!  But then, quite suddenly, when she'd had enough, she'd really had enough and had to get out of that thing immediately!

Melly and Kate w/Daddy - July 4, 2006

Noisy toys suddenly could not be noisy enough either.  She loved one rattle in particular that was much louder than all the rest, and became very upset at day care if she saw another baby playing with the rattle there that was identical to ours.  She was voicing a lot of frustration with her quick temper and loudly demanded help immediately.  She wasn't babbling much, but would say "Mom!" quite forcefully when angry.  She was slow using her legs and got around just pulling herself by her arms for a long time.  Her first 4th of July she watched the fireworks calmly, while Melanie covered her ears.

Develpoment: 8 mo. and on

Katie continued to be a happy baby at home.  She learned to purposely throw herself on her face to get from a sitting to laying down position.  She LOVED music, especially the intensity of worship at church, getting her arms and legs moving madly.  The rest of the service was difficult though, as she was constantly trying to touch the people in front of us.

The tone of my entries in her journal first changed at 9 mo., when I wrote "what am I to do with such a girl?", noting that she'd been very fussy and irritable, possibly frustrated by her immobility?? (she wasn't crawling yet).  She had a "budding little temper", clenching things and turning red in frustration, crying at the top of her voice.  She began to shriek at dropped toys or when she ran out of food.  We couldn't seem to feed her fast enough.  She would grab the spoon away from me after a few bites and try to do it herself, but them scream when she couldn't do it. 

Rob's visits were rather sporadic at the time, and I noted that Kate shied from him and tried to bury her face in my neck when she saw him.  She didn't begin spending overnights with him until she was at least a year old, as I was concerned that so much change would be hard on her.

Separation and Divorce- March 2006

After 10 years of marriage, my husband Rob decided to leave and moved out of the house.  Our relationship had been rocky all along, but I'd stuck through it, believing it was God's will for marriages to be worked out, and knowing how important a strong family base was for our children. We'd been to marriage therapy two different times over the years, but with little result.  We never fought, and as far as I knew he was content with things the way they were, so his leaving came as a surprise.

Because of his crazy work schedule, the girls hadn't seen Rob for days at a time anyway, so his absence was not as severe a change as it might have been.  My family was all in the Minneapolis area, so we moved in with my mother to be closer to their help and support until I could get settled again.

Natural Development: First 7 months

There really wasn't anything very unusual about Katie as a baby.  My memory of detail here is aided by the baby journal I kept.

At 2 wks. I noted that she had a "sweet and even temperament", hardly ever cried, and when she did Melanie covered her ears and ran away, or cried as well if she couldn't escape.

At 2 mo. she was overwhelmed/upset by the music and lights bar that dangled over her bouncy seat, so I removed it for the time being.  She adored her Daddy, chattering and cooing at him, but no one else.  She was easily upset by anything that made a lot of noise, which was hard for poor Melanie who tried to interact with her by rattling toys and things at her, which just made Katie cry, and poor Mel feel rejected. 

Both of my girls preferred the more upright position of sleeping in their car seat rather than flat in their cribs for several months.  Both girls were breast fed, but Katie seemed to have a harder time with it.  My supply just didn't seem to be able to meet her demands, so I began supplementing her diet with formula as well.  At 5 mo. I noted that she has having problems with constipation with the increased use of the formula. 

At 6 mo. I noted that she was a voracious eater, was very upset by the crying of the other babies at the day care, which kept her from sleeping there. She was "a happy little honey" at home, but was having terrible stranger anxiety if anyone even looked at her.

Kate couldn't sit up independently as early as Melanie had, and at 7 mo. I noted that she "tried to sit, but fell on her face and got very angry".  She had seemed to get over the stranger anxiety quite suddenly.  She was babbling a lot of B consonant sounds, but otherwise just throaty noises.  When I tried introducing finger foods she gagged on everything and became panic-y.

From the beginning

In the interest of making this as complete a picture as possible, I'm going to start at the very beginning.

My first daughter, Melanie, the love of my life, changed my world forever when she was born, after a torturous 24 hours of labor, in August 2001.  As so many parents will tell you, I had never known I could love anyone so much.  She was a darling, an angel, the sweetest and easiest baby in the world.

She had an impressive vocabulary early on and also learned to sign a lot of words before she could say them.  I LOVED signing with Melanie because it gave her the ability to tell me what she was thinking long before the words would come, allowing me to better meet her needs and share in her little world.  Family and friends learned her signs too, and I cannot overstress how this eased so much frustration in those early years.  We were all so impressed with what an easy going little girl Melanie was.

I left my job as a school based social worker when Melly was born, and took a part-time job at a day care center where she could come with me, though she was in the Infant room, while I worked with Toddlers.  That first day I could hardly stand her being out of my sight, couldn't stand the idea of someone else trying to take care of her who didn't know her the way I did.  I wanted to grab my baby and run!

But I didn't, and we got used to it.  When Melly grew into the Toddler room I picked up full time hours and we spent all day, every day together.  During this time my husband, Rob, was training to become, and then working as, an EMT,  which involved very irregular hours, so Melly and I were often home alone.  She was my world.


Around 2 years old Melanie became obsessed with wanting a baby sister.  She would burst into tears, begging me to give her one.  Rob and I had always planned on two kids.  My first sister and I are 3 years apart, and I'd always thought I'd like that spacing for my children, plus, a good friend at the center was pregnant and it was giving me that baby itch,  so we decided we'd see what we could do about giving Melly the baby she so wanted.

Heavy pregnancy in the summer months had been awful the first time around, so  I calculated carefully to avoid repeating the same experience, also avoiding the time that would make the baby due around Christmas. Melanie had come along as a welcome surprise, but things were not so easy this time.  Months went by, and after a year without results I became less picky about timing and began a course of fertility boosting medication.

We should have bought stock in pregnancy tests that year.  I took so many and was disappointed so many times.  Every woman in my church seemed to be pregnant but me, and with history of endometriosis in the family I wondered if God would ever answer my prayer.  Still, I had one perfect child already, I told my self, it could be much worse.  Side effects of the fertility medication were intolerable so that was dropped.  And we waited, and I prayed.

New Year's Day 2005 we spent with family, and I was back home alone, while Rob was off to work, when the latest pee-stick finally had a + instead of a --.  I was ecstatic! I called everyone immediately, not even waiting to see the doctor first.  I was not nearly as sick this time as I had been with Melly, and this baby was crazy active, sometimes seeming like almost having seizures the movement was so fast, so I was sure it was a boy.  Ultrasound at 20 weeks proved me wrong.

My water broke at home in the early hours of August 26th, and my mom arrived at our house in a severe thunderstorm to stay with Melanie, who had gone to bed the night before with an unexplained fever.  Getting checked into the hospital and into bed I remember crying because I had not had a chance to say goodbye to Melly, and this exciting moment of Mommy leaving for the hospital that she'd waited so long for was happening without her.

I worried that whatever illness was causing Mel's fever would keep her from being able to come see the baby as soon as she was born, and cried because the plan we had rehearsed and anticipated so excitedly would have to be changed.  I cried because she might really be sick and I couldn't take care of her. She might have to be kept away from me and the baby for a few days, when all I wanted was to share this with her.  And even then, the baby's needs were going to have to come first most of the time and my poor little Melly wouldn't be able to have me when she wanted me and, Oh, how could I be doing this to her!

Katelyn Rose arrived after a fairly routine delivery.  Since Rob, as an EMT had been trained for emergency delivery of babies, but had not yet ever done it, the doc stepped aside near the end and supervised Rob in the actual delivery.  The look on his face was priceless.  Compared to her 9 lb. big sister, at two weeks early,  6 lb. Katelyn was tiny, but perfectly healthy.  Melly was not allowed to come that first day, but came to seen her the next day, wearing a surgical mask for protection.  She was excited about the attention, but not all that interested in baby Katelyn herself.