Power Struggle Stand-Off

We are in the middle of being held hostage by my daughter's unreasonable behavior, and I HATE it!

Katie has had very little homework sent home so far this year, so we haven't had much chance to get into a regular routine for doing it.  Recently she has started to have occasional worksheets, but has been giving me a lot of hassle when it comes to actually sitting down and doing them.  We talked about this with her therapist last week and Kate said she was embarrassed and ashamed of herself to have me call her on it and promised to do better, understanding that she needs to get her work out of the way first thing before doing other activities at night.

But today she came home and immediately got resistant when I asked if she has homework.  I don't mind giving them a little bit of time to unwind when they first get home from school, so I told her she could watch one episode of one of her shows, but then it was time for work.  She has watched the show, but now refuses to take out the homework.  Threw herself on the floor, rolling around saying, "I won't, I won't" and getting herself all worked up.  

Then she tried to claim that Ms Katie had told her whenever she was feeling upset she could just play a game with me to help her calm down.  I told her that wasn't meant for this type of situation, but she has been laying on the floor refusing to work until I play a game.  I said I'd be happy to play a game when the homework is done, but not before.  We are at a stalemate, as she says she is happy to lay there on the floor until I play a game, and I clearly am not going to give in and play any games until the homework is done, if then.  

Just now she ramped up the tantrum even more, screaming so she can't even hear the instructions I'm trying to give her.  So I yelled once, to get her attention and tell her to listen to what I'm saying, but now she is screaming and carrying on that she's scared of me because I yelled.  I am at my wit's and and want to pull my hair out, or thrash her within an inch of her life, so I said she needed to go to her room and be away from me right now.  She's currently in the bedroom screaming about how much I hate her and no one cares about her.  I hate this kind of situation when there is nothing I can do, just feeling hostage to my own child.

Afraid of men?

I've just noticed lately that Katie has an anxiety about certain men.  At least 2 different mornings when I've driven her to the bus stop and she started to open the door to get out, she held back and actually got back in the car to wait until one man walking by got past us the one time, and a man out jogging passed us the other time.  Both of those gentlemen happened to be African-American. 

There has never been any prejudice in our home about African-Americans, or any other ethnicities.  Throughout all her school years her classes have always been at least 50% minorities and it has never seemed to phase her.  She has never mentioned the ethnicity of any of her friends, as if she doesn't even notice.  Then yesterday when we went to the store I sent her around the corner to hold one of the hall doors open for us coming through with our hands full.  After a minute I heard, "Mommy?" in a voice of concern, and as I came around the corner saw that a Latino man was coming through the door she was holding open and she was pressing herself back as far away from him as possible. 

This is an interesting contrast from the way she she sometimes acts around other men whose attention she seems to crave.  I've often been concerned about her lack of boundaries with other men at times, since I know it can make her vulnerable to be preyed upon when she craves male attention so much.  Something that merits more observation and discussion...

Sad Self Punishment

What I didn't mention about the incident at school yesterday was the way Katie decided to punish herself.  While at the doctor I noticed she had a big, fat rubber band around her wrist and asked her what for.  She said she put it there so that if she was "bad" again she could snap herself with it to hurt and punish herself.  Poor lamb :(  I told her that wasn't necessary.  That she isn't "bad", she just made a poor choice and made a mistake and that we were at the doctor to get some better meds to help her not react to others so easily.

At her conference with her teacher he brought this rubber band issue up as well.  He had noted it and talked to her about it already, but restated to her that he did not ever want to see her hurting herself, that she is a good girl and had punished herself enough just by feeling so bad about it.

Another precaution Kate took today was to fill her lunch bag with band-aids and cotton gauze, in case she got out of control and hurt someone again :(   She said she offered the boy she hurt a band aid, but he didn't want it.

Impulsive Aggression

Katie came running to me off the bus yesterday crying so hard I almost couldn't understand her.  "I just didn't think!  I don't know what's happening to me!  I didn't control myself!", was what I could make out.  I hugged her and told her it would be ok and we'd talk about it when we got home.  

I sat her down, told her I wouldn't be angry and asked her to start from the beginning and tell me what happened.  Apparently there was a video the class would be able to watch if everyone was finished with their work in time.  The boy next to her was bothering/distracting Katie to the point that she finally grabbed his hand and bent his wrist back, scraping her nails across the back of it.  

She was SO upset with herself! She couldn't believe she had done it, but admitted it wasn't really an accident, she just got so frustrated!  She said she didn't know what was happening to her and she didn't think she deserved anything good.  She said the boy didn't even tell on her, she told on herself.  The teacher said he would have to write it up and she was terrified of what that would mean.  "I've never been written up for anything in my life!!", she wailed.  

Katie has never physically acted out in anger or frustration with anyone like this before, so I decided to talk to her doctor and see what she thought about it.  As it happened we were able to get in to see the pediatrician right away today and decided to up the dose of her Concerta to help with the frustration tolerance, distraction and impulsivity as the old dose doesn't seem to be cutting it this year.  We had a short conference with her teacher this afternoon too where I was able to explain her SPD and anxiety issues and he seems very willing to work on whatever she needs.

Bus Stop Anxiety

I am really not satisfied with the bus stop location for my girls.  The apartment we're in is a complex of several buildings, and they can get to the assigned bus stop one of two ways. They either have walk up a hill and across a large yard behind us and walk down through a parking lot on the other side, which works now but will not be an option at all once it snows, or they have to walk all the way around another separate building, though parking lot all the way that I know is not plowed safely enough for walking in the winter.  Beside which, Melanie's bus comes at 7:30, which will still be dark in the middle of winter, and Kate doesn't get home til between 4:30-4:45, which will also be nearly dark in winter.  The distance around the building is 1/2 mile by my odometer and Katie is terrified to walk that by herself even now when it's broad daylight.  There are also no other kids from our building going over to that stop for her to walk over with for safety.

So I've put in bus stop change request forms with the school district to get them to please add a stop somewhere over by our own building.  So far I haven't had any response, though the form did say they wouldn't address any requests til after Sept 19th. (But that has been and gone.)  So far I have been having to walk or drive Katie over to the bus stop every morning, and until last week I was going over there every day to meet her getting off the bus too. For now she is coming home over the hill where I can see her from our balcony and she can see me so she knows she's going the right way.

The first couple weeks she wanted me to wait with her in the morning until the bus actually came, but now I just get her there a few minutes before and let her wait on her own.  She has to learn that she can do ok without me by her side every minute.  I do watch her sometimes though as I'm leaving and it's interesting to me that she seems to linger at the edge and not walk up into the rest of the group of kids standing there.  She is not usually that shy.  If she sees strange kids at a playground she'll go right up to them and start to play with them (usually bossing them around before too long!), so what's the reticence at the bus stop about?  There is one little girl there she has made friends with, and when they see each other they go running up for hugs, but other than that she holds back.

Starting Therapy

Just before the end of the school year last spring I got Katie started seeing a child therapist at Nystrom & Associates right here near us.  Her therapist's name also happens to be Katie (actually part of what helped me decide to choose her!), so she is known as Miss Katie in our house.  At first it was hard to explain exactly what is was I was bringing Kate there to work on.  She doesn't have the sort of meltdowns we used to have so frequently anymore.  But with all that has been going on, all the change and restrictions with living with Grandma, I thought it would be good for Katie to have someone to process it all with.  We also saw her pediatrician and got her Prozac dosage raised to 20 mg/daily since everything in our world seemed so up in the air and unsettled and there have been a lot of adjustments to go through.  

Katie likes visiting Miss Katie, especially because she is sometimes allowed to draw on her large windows with special markers! (Kate is quite the little artist!!)  At first Katie was doing a lot of complaining about things that go on at her dad's house and why she did not like going up there for his weekends.  That was hard for me to hear because there is really nothing I can do about any of that.  A change in Rob's work schedule at the beginning of the summer made some changes that I think have made things better for her now, and Rob and Mary were good enough to come down and meet with Miss Katie and Kate to talk about some of her concerns, so at least she got to feel like she was heard.

We're working on Katie taking control of her reactions when she has negative feelings, learning how to calm her body down and not over react.  She has admitted that she doesn't have the fits of temper at Rob's house that she does at mine occasionally, so we are trying to explore why that is and what we can do about it.  (My personal opinion is that she is too intimidated by Rob and Mary to misbehave around them and holds herself together out of pure fear.)  I do admit that my consistency in following through with discipline hasn't been as strong as it should be. She definitely has a knack for wearing me down, so it is a learning experience for us both.

New School Anxiety

Both girls are attending new schools this year in the local district since I still haven't found a job and couldn't deal with driving them back and forth the Robbinsdale again this year if we probably won't end up back there in the end anyway.

Melanie took the change in stride for the most part.  She is now old enough to participate in the awesome youth program at our church, so she has been making good friends there over the summer.  I think she has always understood that the likelihood of ending up back in Robbinsdale was pretty slim and was prepared for it.

Katie did not take the news as well, though her distress did not last nearly as long as I feared it would.  She had continued to hold out hope that somehow she would be able to go back to Lakeview, and hearing that she definitely wouldn't was hard to take.  After all, Lakeview was the only school she'd known, and change is not easy with her anxieties.  But I took her along to get the registration materials so she could see the place and get a feel for it.  We could only see the office that first time, but we did explore the playground and found it interesting that they have a map of the United States and of the World painted on the pavement near it.

Of course we also attended the back-to-school open house and met her teacher, Mr Bush, and found her classroom.  We practiced walking in the door and up to the cafeteria for breakfast, and then to her classroom until she was comfortable enough to try it on her own.  She even discovered a 2nd route she could take to her room and was very comfortable with finding her way around by the time we left.  I am really excited that she has a male teacher this year.  As well meaning as Rob may be, he actually spends very little time with the girls, even on his weekends, so I am excited for her to have a strong, consistent, positive male figure in her life. 

2013: More Catching Up

At first Katie was really excited about moving.  She'd grown sick of our apartment and was ready for a change.  She was NOT, however, excited about what it would mean for the fate of her beloved cat, Dinah.  Grandma was not willing to have any pets come along to her apartment, so we had to find alternatives for our two cats.  As I hoped this was only going to be a 3-4 month stay w/Mom I arranged sort of foster care arrangements for both cats, with separate people.  We'd hoped they could go to someone we knew, but in the end I had to resort to finding strangers on Craig's List who were willing to take them in.  This separation was very hard on Katie and she worried for weeks about what would happen to Dinah before I finally got things settled.  We've gone once to visit Dinah at her foster home and she seemed happy.  Katie missed her a lot at first, but doesn't talk about her much anymore.


The girls finished off the school year in their same Robbinsdale schools by me driving them there and back every day.  Katie kept up hope that she would be back there the next (this) year, but I kept warning her that it would all depend on where I was able to get a job and that there was a strong likelihood that we may end up in another school district.

Showing off the long tooth

In early June Katie had to be hospitalized for some oral surgery to remove her eye teeth to make room for the adult teeth that have started coming in.  It had to be done in hospital under sedation because of her sensitivities and anxiety.  There was just no way she could be numbed up and sit through a procedure like that in the regular dentist's office.  She had some serious apprehensions, but made it through like a trooper.



My brother in the Marines was home with his family for almost 3 weeks in July and Katie enjoyed all the extra family time with twin cousins that she never usually gets to see.  They were here over the 4th of July and Uncle Matt got sparklers for the kids, but Katie was afraid of them, so she mostly just stood back and watched.  She has no problem with the noise of the big fireworks display at night anymore though, so that is certainly an improvement and relief.

Katie & Melanie w/their older stepbrothers

The girls went on a vacation to the Black Hills with their dad and his family in July.  Kate was a little worried about being away from me for SO long and begged me to come with, but that certainly wasn't an option!  Rob was unhappy with me for not sending Katie's ADHD meds with for the trip, but she hadn't been taking them all summer up to that point so I had never even thought of it.  Apparently they had a tough time though, driving all those hours out there with little for her to do and he reported that she needed constant redirection and was generally "bouncing off the walls".  I was sorry it had made the trip difficult for her, but really hadn't been having that problem at home.


Once they came home though and there was no more excitement of activity with cousins every day to keep her busy and focused I too noticed that her ADHD symptoms were a lot more pronounced and got her back on the Concerta even before school started.  Katie is a sweetheart and has never gotten as wildly off the wall as some ADHD kids I've known, but she is a talker.  She talks, and talks, and talks......and talks!  Without meds there is no filter whatsoever and every thought that passes through her head must be shared.  Drives the rest of us a little bit out of our minds!

Heavy Changes

2013 has been year of very big, very stressful changes for our family.  I had finished the last of the classes for my Master's last fall.  No more classes = no more student loans.  Since the loans had been paying the rent til then, I immediately started looking for a job that would pay the rent instead.  I never dreamed I would have such a hard time finding something, anything. 

I did some temp work and sought what help I could find, but when it came time for the lease to be renewed, the management declined its renewal, as I had no reliable income.  It was an extremely heavy blow.  I had worked so hard at holding things together and was praying every day that this would be the day I would finally get a call about one of the hundreds of jobs I'd applied for, but it didn't happen.

My lease ran out at the end of March and we had no choice but to move in with my mother in her apartment in New Brighton.  Not ideal by any means, as it's only a 2 bedroom apt, but better than the alternative.  Rob wanted the girls to come and live with them until I got a job and got resettled somewhere, but I just couldn't turn their entire lives upside down like that. I know that they love them and have the best intentions, but they are just not attuned to Katie's special needs in the same way.

I drove them to their schools every day so they wouldn't have to change school with only 2 months left of the year. Originally I imagined we'd be here only a couple months.  Certainly I would get a job any day and we would be able to be back into a new place of our own by the start of the school year. But things did not work out that way.  We are still here. And it's tough.  The toughest time yet, to be honest.  I've never felt so defeated and useless. 

I spend several hours a day several days a week applying for anything and everything I think I could be qualified for.  I'm not being picky- Cub, Target, Wal-Mart, anything would be fine at this point if it gets us back into our own place.  I've had a bunch of interviews, probably one a month at least, a couple I felt really good about too, but none have panned out.  Was called back for a 2nd interview at one place last week and got excited, but it's been a week now without any word, so I'm afraid that probably means they've chosen someone else.  Heart quickens every time the phone rings. 

Cathching Up: The Rest of 2012

It's been a very long time since I've written any posts.  One reason, I think, is that Katelyn seems to be outgrowing a lot of the major Sensory Processing issues that were such a struggle for us for so many years.

The 2nd grade went much smoother for Katie.  Her wonderful teacher, Mrs. Martin, was very understanding of her particular needs and was always very willing to work with me on anything that came up.

At the beginning of the school year we got her started on a low dose of Concerta for the ADHD, and she tolerated that MUCH better than the Adderall that had made her practically psychotic.  If I remember right this is also when we got her started on Prozac for all the anxiety issues she struggles with, and that made a world of difference for her. 

June 2012: We went fishing for the first time with my Dad.  Kate was a little leery of the instability/rocking of the small boat, but became used to it quickly.  She amazed us all by being willing to touch and handle the worms (which she had been terrified of the previous year) and even trying to put them on her own hook.  Even more amazing was her willingness to handle the fish themselves when she caught some!  I totally expected that to be a sensation that would completely gross her out, but she loved it!. 


For her 7th Birthday she was so in love with swimming in Grandma's pool that she had a pool party there.  By now she had worked her way up to even being brave enough to jump into the pool from the side! 


In August of that summer the girls' Dad and their family moved to a house out in the country outside Milaca and the girls enjoy some different outdoor play.


 
Renaissance Festival and State Fair with my Dad and his wife were also big adventures for both the girls.  They both loved picking out their very own Renaissance costumes to wear for the day as they have both always been very much into dressing up!


Katie enjoyed being a zombie bride for Halloween, and was lucky enough to get to be in the Holidazzle parade with her best friend Aubrey.

FIRE!

The fire alarm went off in our building today.  Thankfully it wasn't so loud and alarming as some I've heard, so the sound itself didn't bother Katie.  I didn't smell any smoke or feel any heat, but as it continued for more than just a couple minutes (as it might if they were testing the system or something) I decided we should be better safe than sorry and we left the building.  That's when Katie's alarm went off.  The alarm was much louder in the hallway, and the fact that we were actually leaving our home and getting out of the building was very unsettling to her.   When we got outside there didn't seem to be anything visibly wrong.  Very few other people had come out.  I was going to call the rental office and see if they could tell us if it was a drill or something, but quickly realized I'd forgotten my phone inside.  We instead drove over to the office and went in to inquire.  

The lady there said someone had seen one of the electrical boxes smoking and called the fire department.  Just then a maintenance man comes running in looking for a key and says, "They've got a fire over there! Have you called the fire department?"  So clearly this was no drill or test, there was an actual fire and we could not return home.  When Katie heard this she really started to panic.  The fact that we were out safely wasn't enough, she was terrified that our apartment would burn up with all of our things in it and she was very upset.  I held her and tried to reassure her that everything was going to be ok.  It had to be a fairly small fire and they were already on top of it, so I was pretty sure we wouldn't suffer any damage.  There was no smoke to be seen or anything.  But the idea that it was there at all, in our building was just too much for her.

We decided to go to her favorite new library to wait it out and distract her.  I really wished I'd grabbed by phone to let my mom know what was going on and to find out when it was safe to come back.  But I checked an hour later and it had been given the all clear, so we returned to an undamaged apartment.