Bitter Disappointment

Katie's class is taking a field trip to Como zoo on the last day of school and she begged me to sign up to be a chaperone.  She was so psyched to have me coming with her class and couldn't wait to show me to her friends. But today Melanie brought home a paper inviting me to the 5th Grade Graduation at school on the same date and time.  Obviously the graduation is a big deal for Mel, so I will definitely be there, and that means no zoo.  Just broke the news to Katie and she absolutely lost it.  Threw herself on the floor, writhing in agony/hysteria.  "NO! NO! This can't be happening! This can't be happening to me! I'm gonna die! I just wanna die!!" and such.  Poor Melanie burst into tears and fled to her room to get away from Katie's screaming.  I left Kate rolling on the floor and went to comfort Melanie.  She was hurt that Katie always seems to have things her way and doesn't care about anything that's important to Melanie.   Hurt that there should even be any question of my not attending her graduation.  She definitely gets the short end of the stick a lot of the time when we have to cater to Kate's needs and she is such a trooper for dealing with it as well as she does.  I let her know there was no way I'd miss her graduation and that I am very proud of her.

Reliance on Medication

Got a call from Katie's teacher this morning because Kate told her she'd forgotten to take her pill this morning.  I let the teacher know that we hadn't actually forgotten the meds, but had decided to take her off of it because it seemed to be making her more nutty than usual.  I spoke to Katie to and reminded her we'd talked about this and she remembered.

Half an hour later though the teacher was calling again because Kate was getting really worked up about not having had a pill.  She was convinced she couldn't function for the day without it.  So I went to school to give her one more just so she could get through the day, and then Dad can deal with her over the holiday weekend!

No more Adderall!

Kate has been so worried about going up to Rob's again for the holiday weekend, so I called Mary to talk with her about some of Katie's concerns.  Mentioned to her how Kate has still been on a crazy emotional roller coaster the last two weeks.  She said she and Rob had noticed the same when she was last with them and that this is exactly how her older son reacted when he was started on Adderall.  Apparently it is known to really intensify emotions and create huge mood swings. Mary's been through a lot of medication trial and error with her son, so I know she really knows what she's saying, and it confirmed what I had been feeling myself. So, no more Adderall!  I called and made a new appointment with the doctor so we can get her switched to something else ASAP.

Kate was hysterical about something else after school so I talked to her about how I'd decided this kind of medicine just wasn't the right one for her and that I thought it was actually making some of her worrying worse.  She agreed and was happy to hear there were other things we can try.

Can't go on like this!

Well, I guess school work is going much better, but we are an absolute mess at home.  She come in the door crying after school and is freaked out and worried about everything under the sun.  

The other night there was a parent's night at school and she was hysterical in tears because she was so worried that I would be disappointed with her for not finishing coloring the sky on her picture today.  Once I assured her that I would not be unhappy with her for anything at school she started in about how worried she is about summer. "Oh, woe is me, summer is just so hot and I just get so hot so fast and I just can't stand it!" type stuff, only in serious distress! Sobbing and wailing like her dog had just died or something!! 

She hasn't slept the night in her own bed for over a week now.  She's scared of everything!  Last night  she said she couldn't stop thinking about the zombie movie her step-brothers "made" her watch that was too scary. Nightmares, noises, you name it, she's worried about it.  She seems to think she has to have actual skin-to-skin contact with me at all times or she panics like a toddler with separation anxiety.  Even when she's sleeping with me, she's whimpering in her sleep! This is not working.

First Twins Game

Melanie's All-District Choir was singing the national Anthem at the Twins game tonight.  Quite an honor! This was the first Twins game for both of my girls, and my first time at the new stadium.  Kate was over-the-moon excited!  We had seats directly behind home plate, but very high up, and she was very nervous about walking up the steep steps to get to them. We both felt a bit dizzy at first being up so high, and looking down so far, so steeply. 

She thoroughly enjoyed the first 4 innings, but then started to get whiny.  She really wanted me to buy her a hat, but they are crazy expensive there and I said no, so she fussed and pouted.  Then she realized that the cameras showing people in the stands didn't seem to be showing people way up at  the top, so she wouldn't be able to be on TV, and that was the last straw.  She declared that this was not as fun as she thought it was going to be and she was sooo disappointed, and the only thing that could stop her crying would be a hat or being on TV.  She was "sooo bored", but absolutely did not want to leave early. We held in through the 7th inning and then left to get ahead of the crowds.  

She griped and groaned all the way to the car and fussed and cried all the way home, talking about how she always has such "bad luck", that her friends give her "bad luck" and nothing she does ever turns out good, and it never will.  She feels her "senses" make it too hard for her to go to school and she just wishes she could be "normal".  

She looks at the other kids and wonders what it's like to be "normal" like them.  My mom was with us and told her she needed to start thinking positively and not be determined to be miserable, but Katie only grunted at her.  SO, frustrating and exhausting to spend a big, special night trying to have a good time together, which she really did for a while, only to have her weep and moan later that it was not good enough.  I know it was partially because she was so over tired, but it's still hard to listen to her agrue that everything is awful and nothing can make it any better.

Terror in the night

Poor Katelyn had the very worst scare of her life (and she has lots of scares!) in the wee hours of this morning.  I heard her go to the bathroom and go back into her room.  Then there was a strangled sort of scream and she started screeching for me.  I went in to see what was wrong and she said, "The window! There's words on the window!."  Sure enough, through the glow of the nighttime light you could clearly read, "U will die!" written on the window with someone's finger sometime when the window had been foggy. When she came back in her room it was directly in her eye line, and she can read now, so she understood immediately!  She was absolutely out of her mind terrified, wouldn't even walk past the window to go into my room to sleep. I have to admit, it was awfully creepy in the middle of the night, even though I knew it had to have been Melanie and not any sort of ghoul.

She came in my bed, but was so shook up she couldn't settle down and go back to sleep, just tossed and turned and whimpered.  About 2 hours later she screams again, certain she saw something moving in my open closet. I convince her there's nothing, but she is back on high alert again. Maybe half an hours later an absolutely blood curdling scream as she sat bolt upright in the bed, grabbing for me.  "Turn on the light! Turn on the light!"  then  "I heard a voice!! There was a really deep voice talking to me!!"

She was absolutely, terrified and convinced she'd heard something and I just didn't believe her.  She sat wide-eyed and trembling, looking all around, and couldn't even stand to lay down again, being in total fight-or-flight mode and feeling too vulnerable if she lay down.  

When she finally could lay down again she was stiff and trembling, and plastered herself to me.  She insisted we keep the light on and was afraid to try to go back to sleep in case she had more bad thoughts.  To take her mind off it, I tried to get her to think about the Twins game we're going to tonight, her first. Talked her through visualizing walking in the gates and finding our seats, seeing all the people and smelling the foods.  That finally helped, she got on a roll talking about it, and then kept talking. I let her keep talking to keep her mind occupied and she finally fell asleep around 6 am.  I was going to let her sleep in and go to school late if she stayed asleep, but she popped up about 7:30 and was eager to get ready for the day.  Hopefully her meds will carry her through most of the day before she collapses of exhaustion.  Don't know what to expect for the game tonight.

Awfully sick, awfully unhappy girl.  Kate's got a rotten cold (or is it allergies?) and is feeling miserable today.  We were supposed to go to a movie this afternoon, but she is so weepy and moany-groany that we are gonna have to wait for another day, which of course is causing even more tears.

Week going ok for Katie at school, with a few ups and downs.  She came home devastated one day because she had been unable to go out for extra recess because she'd had one behavior warning last week.  She was convinced this meant she wouldn't be able to go out all week and life was awful.  I talked with the teacher to get an accurate understanding of the requirements for extra recess so we could work on it in future.

Oh my goodness!  I am completely wrung out and in the depths of despair.  Single parenting is awful and I am ready to throw in the towel. Can't stop crying. Thank GOD it's Rob's weekend!

Kate came home from school and immediately lost her mind over having to go to Dad's for the weekend.  She still hasn't gotten over the fact that they were with him 3 weekends in a row because of Easter and felt it was "not fair" that they only had one weekend home with me again.  She threw herself on the floor and began screaming that she was not getting in the car, but then did come when Melanie and I went to leave.  She got in crying and started screaming that she was "not going to get out of this car" when we got there.  She was crying and blubbering hysterically, and I felt I needed the mental break more than ever!  

Kate was determined to cry/scream the whole way there, though I warned she was going to end up with a sore throat.  There didn't seem to be anything I could do, because if I stopped she'd be getting her way, and I really needed to get away from her for a while.  Figured I just needed to try to ignore her to show her she can't manipulate me with her tantrums, but that was really tough.  I turned up the radio, but could hardly hear over her noise.  Eventually I decided to call Rob and let her talk to him.  I got his voice mail and don't know if he could even hear the message I left over her screaming in the background, but he called back before long and I made her talk to him.  I wanted him to hear from her himself the things she complains to me about about being at his house.  By now I was in tears as well, so extremely frustrated and feeling so helpless, and then Melanie broke down too because I was crying and she didn't want to listen to Katie's tantrum all the way there. We got to Elk River before she finally stopped.

After she talked to Rob she continued to fuss for a while, but then fell asleep, having exhausted herself.  But I was so overwhelmed and exhausted I couldn't stop crying from time to time.  She woke up as we passed Princeton and started right in again with how unfair it was and how mean everyone is to her, etc., etc.  I dropped them at the house, where she clung to me and begged me not to leave.  Then I went a couple blocks away to where Rob was working to talk to him about it all.  

I walked up to him crying and sunk my head on his chest, just wanting a moment of understanding and support, an arm around my shoulders telling me it's gonna be ok, we are supposed to be partners in this after all, but he wouldn't touch me.  I continued to cry as I told him about all we'd been going through this school year and especially the last month or so, and finally about getting her started on meds yesterday.  His step-son has struggled with ADHD as well, so he's actually pretty familiar with working on finding the right dose of meds and the emotional upheaval of getting used to new meds, etc.  So at least he'll take the situation seriously.

I drove home feeling absolutely alone and overwhelmed. Still crying and utterly exhausted.  I know this may sound kind of harsh of me to "ignore" her distress and force her to go when she clearly didn't want to, but I NEEDED to get away from her for that time.  I actually spanked her last night when she was throwing a fit (and then immediately felt worse and apologized) but I was just that close to the edge and really could not handle it anymore.  Please God help things level out next week!

Rough start

Well, Kate's first day on meds was not the miracle she had hoped for.  She came home and frumped on the couch and wouldn't answer me about how the day went.  "I don't want to tell you!", was all she would say, getting teary.  I set aside what I was doing to talk with her more directly and find out why she was upset.  "I never wanna talk about it! I don't wanna tell you!"  Well, if that doesn't send up red flags...  If she's getting that upset I really need to know what happened!  "I don't wanna say anything. I'm gonna get grounded and you're gonna talk to me for a long time about it!"  Ok, so she thinks she's in trouble, but I can't imagine her ever doing anything too terrible. 

Eventually, with much drama and tears she eventually told me.  One of the girls in her class is frequently bossy to her, and Katie told her that she acts like she's the queen of the school.  This caused the little girl to cry, which got the teacher's attention, who came over to speak to them, which caused Katie to cry as well, and she was horribly embarrassed.

Poor Kate, so worried about something so innocent.  She was completely overwrought and took a long time to settle down even after I told her I was not mad at her.  I told her it is ok to stand up for herself as long as she does it nicely and I knew she hadn't meant to make the other girl cry.  She did say that she felt like the pill had helped her, "but then it all got ruined".

Praise the Lord!  We were able to get in to see the doctor already today!  She agreed completely with a diagnosis of ADHD and we were given an Adderall prescription.  Starting at 5mg for a week, then deciding if we need to bump it up to 10mg if there's still room for improvement.  She took one right away in the car before she went to school after the appointment. Let the teacher and school nurse know she's started the meds, so we will all see how it goes!

"Can't You just teach me Mommy?"

Horrible, agonizing morning.  Katie has really latched on to the idea of a medication that can help her concentrate, and has herself convinced that she is worthless without it.  She begged me not to make her go to school again until she had "that pill".  I just held her, heartbroken and sobbing, and felt completely at a loss as to what to say to her.  She says her teacher "doesn't do a thing about it", but when I ask her what she would like her to do to help, she doesn't know.  She wants me to teach her at home instead, because I've already learned all the stuff she's learning, so I can just tell it to her.  This morning she sobbed, "I'm just a piece of paper!" and asked what she meant, she said, "I just lay there and I can't even do anything!"  She was desperate to know when we would be able to see the doctor about the medication, and refused to go to school unless I came with her and asked the teacher if she had sent in her portion of the assessment questionnaire.  I did drive her to school and came in to talk to the teacher and just let her know how bad things were this morning and how vulnerable Kate is feeling so she can do as much as she can to try to boost her confidence.

Today is one of those days when I really hate being a single parent, particularly of a child with special needs. I almost called her dad this morning, when she was screaming that she would never go back to school, to let him try to talk to her, but also just for him to experience some of this tough shit that I have to go through on a daily basis.  It is so exhausting and overwhelming!

Thankfully the doctor's office did call this morning, and we got an appointment this week already on Thursday, so hopefully she will be relieved to hear that.

"I'm never going back to school again!"

Very, very unhappy little girl after school today!  Broke my heart, as a mother, to see her so agonized.  Katie is convinced that she is stupid, that she is completely hopeless, because she cannot concentrate in school and get things done like the other kids in her class.  Had a whole long tearful tirade about how school is awful and no one there likes her and even the girls who are supposed to be her friends aren't nice to her and her teacher hates her and is always mad at her and her big sister hates her too and won't wave to her in the lunchroom and the neighbor girl ignores her too, and so on and so on.  Absolutely shattered and sobbing.

I'm so angry with myself for not getting on top of this sooner, before she really started to internalize it.  I thought I had to find the best place to get comprehensive care, but realize now that it can't wait any longer.  I talked to her about some people's brains having a harder time focusing and remembering, and that there is some medication we might be able to try to help her be less distracted.  At first she thought that was hopeless as well, but then she came out of bed at 10:40 last night to tell me she thought maybe she could try it.  Poor thing, laying awake that late worrying about it!  I decided to just start with her regular pediatrician for now and get her on some meds as soon as possible, and worry about more thorough assessment later when I find the "right" place.

Rocket Math Blues

Katie is feeling really down on herself lately over "Rocket Math", a timed drill with approximately 20-25 addition &/or subtraction problems they are given a minute to complete.  Apparently there are different levels, when you can complete sheet A in one minute, you move up to sheet B, then C, and so on.  Katie came home crying because she is still on sheet A, and most of her friends are nearing the end of the alphabet.  She knows the answers, she just cannot complete it within that one minute, so she's been stuck at that first level all year.  Poor Luv!  She feels really stupid and is embarrassed  to have her friends know what level she is on.  She says she never wants to go to school again.  I need to be looking into the best place to get her some further evaluation.

Parent Teacher Conferences

Uh oh, not so good this time.  Both girls had less than stellar reports this time through, and both for the same reason, lack of focus and organization.  Katie's reading at a 2nd grade level, top in her class, and consistently proves that she knows how to do all of her work, and gets the right answers, when tested one-on-one with the teacher, but cannot seem to get anything done during regular class time. She is far too distracted by everything going on around her.  She gets through about 1/4 to 1/3 of a worksheet in the time it takes the rest of the class to finish, then forgets to bring the work home to finish, or refuses to do it when she does bring it home!  Or if she does get something done at home, it sits in her folder and she forgets to hand it in! 

I don't know whether this is straight ADD, which definitely runs in our family, or if it's the sensory over-stimulation causing the problem.  Think of how difficult it would be to work on a timed math quiz when you are hearing the buzz of the lights above you, feeling the tag in your shirt and the seams in your socks, having to concentrate on the weight of the pencil in your hand and the correct amount of pressure to use to write with it and not break it.  She cannot tune out the extraneous information her body is perceiving the way most of us do.  It is so hard to see her struggle like this.

Cheer leading

Katie is absolutely ecstatic to be taking a weekly cheer leading class!  Having a physical outlet like this is excellent for her and she grins from ear to ear the whole time.  She does have a little trouble paying attention to the coach sometimes, because she's busy spinning or dancing around, or watching to see if I'm watching her.  She gives it her all, even though it is clear she's not the most coordinated in the group.  You can see some of the lack of positional awareness and gravitational insecurity, but none of these girls are particularly graceful, so she doesn't stand out too much.